Jerusalem the Violated Virgin – How Jehovah treats those who disrespect

Like a virgin, crushed for the very first time

After Jehovah stopped liking the descendants of Abraham, things got pretty bad in Jerusalem. You see, Jehovah only helps out people who like Him and is deliberately cruel to those who disrespect him. In this case, Jehovah had the Babylonians invade Israel and haul off most of the people to work in the region we know today as Iraq.

The sacred book of Lamentations serves to enlighten us as to the condition of Jerusalem after Jehovah stopped being nice to it. In Lamentations 1:4 we learn that Zion mourns because nobody goes to parties anymore and the virgins are afflicted. Oh no: afflicted? How? Well, I hope these are metaphorical virgins. I hope it so much; I’m going to write this like both Jerusalem and its people are represented as virgins in Lamentations. If they are not metaphorical, God is even more messed up that I thought.

From Lamentations Chapter 1:

First: No longer full *cough cough* of people – just like a widow

Second: No lovers to give comfort

Third: All friends became enemies

Fourth: Live among non-religious people

Fifth: Be overtaken by persecutors “between the straits”

Sixth: Children (from a virgin?) are taken away as prisoners

Seventh: Disrespected by former fans because they’ve been seen naked

Eighth: Filthy skirts

Ninth: Adversary gets to rub his/her hands all over the “pleasant bits”

Tenth: Hungry

Eleventh: Fire sent into the bones

Twelfth: Trodden upon and squished by God, like in a winepress

Thirteenth: Menstruating

Moral: Don’t be a virgin or your adversaries will get to see you naked and rub your “pleasant bits,” God will squish you like a grape, and you will have to menstruate.

Ref: Lamentations 1:1-17

Jeremiah Uses Sexual Imagery to Chastise Israel - A vagina can be a valuable teaching tool

Sex sells

One day Jehovah was upset about how the Israelites were behaving so he gave Jeremiah a few messages to pass on in Jeremiah Chapter 3.

From the mouth of God:

Imagine that dude number 1 divorced his wife and then she hooked up with dude number 2 later. Then imagine how gross it would be if dude number 1 screwed that chick again. That would be just like two dudes rubbing their junk together. Because all you Israelites stopped going to church, you are just like junk rubbing dudes!

You keep having sex with all sorts of people, and then want to crawl back into my bed? You’re so bad that even though you’re obviously a skanky whore, you refuse to feel shame. You are all like a bunch of slutty chicks that have sex on every single mountain and under every tree. Because you all are supper slutty I’m divorcing you.

Your sister though, she’s the people that still go to church but don’t believe. She totally had sex with the ground. That’s right. She’s been committing adultery with rocks and sticks.

Here’s the thing though, I’m not a monster and because used pussy is better than no pussy I’m not going to stay angry forever. I’m even going to forgive. Because we are married and everything, I will take one person from that city and two from this family and bring them to Zion.

Ref: Jeremiah 3:1-14

Moral: Jehovah likes to talk about having sex with his followers/children