Mystery Babylon – The mother of harlots

When you want to disparage someone’s character, simply associate him/her with prostitution

One day, long ago, Jehovah was faced with the challenge of getting St. John the Revelator to understand that secularism was fated to spread across the globe. Being perfect, Jehovah came up with a perfect way to do this. He sent an angel and used imagery.

The angel said, “Come here John. I need to show you the great whore that sitteth upon many waters. She is a very busy woman so we had better hurry. All the kings of earth have sex with her and everyone on earth gets drunk from the wine that leaks out of her during sexual intercourse. It sounds odd, I know; but you’ll understand once you see her.”

The angel carried John out, deeper and deeper into the wilderness until they saw her.

John wrote that the woman was sitting on a red monster with seven heads and ten horns. She was wearing a purple dress with a red sash and had a gold cup in her hand. The cup was full of sin and the “filth” of all the illicit sex.


 

Rampant Secularism is a hot chick riding a red dinosaur

 

The woman had writing on her forehead that said:

MYSTERY, babylon the great

the mother of HARLOTS

and of abominations of the earth

John noticed the woman was a little tipsy from drinking human blood, shed by those who die in the service of Christ. Of course, the strangest thing of all was: that woman was HOT!



Scarlett Johansson - Not rapmant secularism, but still hot



Moral: secularism is a hot slut that leaks wine during sex.

Ref: Revelation 17:1-6




Kate Upton - Also not secularism, and also hot

 

Jeremiah Uses Sexual Imagery to Chastise Israel - A vagina can be a valuable teaching tool

Sex sells

One day Jehovah was upset about how the Israelites were behaving so he gave Jeremiah a few messages to pass on in Jeremiah Chapter 3.

From the mouth of God:

Imagine that dude number 1 divorced his wife and then she hooked up with dude number 2 later. Then imagine how gross it would be if dude number 1 screwed that chick again. That would be just like two dudes rubbing their junk together. Because all you Israelites stopped going to church, you are just like junk rubbing dudes!

You keep having sex with all sorts of people, and then want to crawl back into my bed? You’re so bad that even though you’re obviously a skanky whore, you refuse to feel shame. You are all like a bunch of slutty chicks that have sex on every single mountain and under every tree. Because you all are supper slutty I’m divorcing you.

Your sister though, she’s the people that still go to church but don’t believe. She totally had sex with the ground. That’s right. She’s been committing adultery with rocks and sticks.

Here’s the thing though, I’m not a monster and because used pussy is better than no pussy I’m not going to stay angry forever. I’m even going to forgive. Because we are married and everything, I will take one person from that city and two from this family and bring them to Zion.

Ref: Jeremiah 3:1-14

Moral: Jehovah likes to talk about having sex with his followers/children

Sign Seeking – Music is Evil

Who else loves Swedish pop groups?

Jesus said “A wicked and adulterous generation asks for a sign! But none will be given it except the sign of the prophet Jonah.” Believe it or not, this is an important thing to remember when making listening choices.



Drake Bell - You can tell he's
evil. Just look at the hair.

 For example, Drake Bell’s ballad to an unnamed girl titled I Know says “Baby, give me a sign, give me a reason, make up your mind.” In fact, Drake sings those words THREE times in a single song.
Fortunately, because of Jesus’ teachings we know that Drake Bell is EVIL and to preserve ourselves, we should not listen to his music. We must not pay attention to the last line in the song, “I’m out of my mind in love with you.” If it weren’t for Jesus we might think this was a nice song to a girl that Drake was courting, but thankfully we know better!


Issa went so far as to actually give a song the title Give Me a Sign. At first glance it seems like a guy who is in a troubled relationship wants to work things out, but he wants a “sign” that his girlfriend wants to keep things going too. Because of Jesus, we know this is EVIL and we should avoid Issa too. 



Issa - Obviously Evil



Now, the Swedish band Ace of Base is not widely considered a “Christian” band; but by examining the lyrics of their title The Sign we can see that not only are they devoted, they are God’s chosen prophets. The line “I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes I saw the sign” proves it.

Jesus said the sign of the prophet Jonah was the only sign anyone could ever receive. What’s the sign of Jonah you ask? “For as Jonah was three days and three nights in the belly of a huge fish, so the Son of Man will be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth.” Yep, the only possible sign is that the Son of Man (Jesus) would die, be buried, and come back to life three days later. The members of Ace of Base clearly saw this sign. We can accept these particular Swedes were not alive 2,000 years ago so they only way they possibly could see the sign would be through a prophetic vision given by God.



Ace of Base - Clearly Rightous

To spread the good word of Christ’s resurrection as widely as possible, Ace of Base wrote the song The Sign assuming that everyone would already know the only possible sign is the resurrection. Because of the importance of the message, the album Happy Nation/The Sign was the first debut album to have three top 40 number 1 singles, including The Sign. The album went on to become one of the best selling debut albums of all time and was certified nine times platinum in the United States. This helped Ace of Base become the third most successful band from Sweden of all time.

Moral: using music to express the truthfulness of Christ’s resurrection is a great way to make loads of cash.

Ref: Matthew 12:39-40

Jesus and the Adulteress - A novel approach to problem solving

"I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way."

So one morning Jesus wandered down to the temple to do some teaching. After he’d been there a while a group of religious types brought a woman to see him. They said, “This skank was totally screwing some guy she wasn’t married to and we caught her in the act. As you should know Moses told us that Jehovah commands we stone her. What do you think?”

Jesus said, “What, really? So how long did you watch before you grabbed her? Did you at least let her lover finish? I mean seriously. Did you just happen to walk in on them doing it, or did someone tell you there was a free show in Jeshue’s house? Anyway, you losers aren’t worth my time so I’m just gonna ignore you now and draw pictures of hoo-haws in the dirt.”

After an uncomfortable silence one of the religious guys said, “Look, I get you have a LOT on your mind but I really am going to need some kind of answer from you on this.” So Jesus finally looked up and said, “Look, I know you guys were enjoying the show and I’m pretty sure you’ve heard me say stuff like, ‘He who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery in his heart’ so go ahead. Whoever here has no sin, let him throw the first stone.” Then Jesus went back to drawing his dirty pictures.

Well, the pervy old guys felt pretty bad about desperately wishing it was them screwing the adulteress instead of Jeshue, so they slowly started to leave until only Jesus and the woman were left at the temple. When Jesus finished his drawing he looked up and said, “Woman, where are you accusers?” The woman answered, “They all took off, leaving me here with you all alone, and I am so grateful that you stopped them from throwing rocks at me until I died.”

Jesus then said, “Sweet deal. Just remember to be careful to not get caught next time."

Ref: John 8:1-11

Reference for drawing female genitalia in the dirt: http://www.luciferianliberationfront.org/sf.html

Phinehas Kills the Adulterers – How killing people stops God from killing other people

Holy crap, could Jehovah be any more of a prick?

After Moses led the Israelites out of Egypt but before they made it to the “promised land” they had a lot of contact with different groups of people. When they were in Shittim (no, I did not make up that name) they started to do some really crazy stuff like have sex with the local women, eat their food, and worship their gods.

As you might expect, Jehovah was not pleased. He told Moses to take the heads off his people and hang them in the sun so He wouldn’t be mad anymore. Since this made perfect sense to Moses, he gave the order that every man who participated in the worship of local gods should be executed. Just the men though. You have to be careful to always kill more men than women so polygamy works out better.

After the whole worshiping the wrong gods thing was sorted through the use of capital punishment, things managed to get even crazier. This Hebrew guy named Zimri had the audacity to hook up with a Midianitish woman named Cozbi (remember that Moses’ wife was from Midian, damn hippocrate) and actually bring her around so the other Hebrews could see that a Hebrew man and Midianitish women were together and not ashamed of it. Well, this level of audacity got Jehovah so worked up that he started killing random Israelites using disease (one of God’s favorite toys).

Fortunately for the Lord’s people, a discerning gentleman named Phinehas worked out that Zimri’s relationship with Cozbi was the cause for the plague. Phinehas grabbed a Javelin, walked into their tent, and killed both of them, making sure he stabbed Cozbi through the stomach just in case she was pregnant. Of course this stopped God from killing random bystanders, but not before 24,000 of them died.  --  I learned in church the reason Zimri and Cozbi had to die to stop the plague was because they were committing adultery. It turns out that was about 2,000% bullshit. Nowhere in the biblical account is adultery mentioned. They totally had to die because Cozbi was from a different cultural background: God is such a racist bastard.  --

After God called off his bacteria that had been killing the Israelites he had a little chat with Moses: “Well, you’re sure lucky that Phinehas killed Zimri and Cozbi; otherwise I was going to completely wipe out the Hebrew race. Now you’re going to have to make war against the Midianites and wipe them off the face of the earth because it’s totally their fault I had to kill so many of my people using plague.”

When I read these stories, I can’t help but think it’s usually much better to not be part of God’s chosen people. It seems the more attention God gives you, the greater his need to fuck with you.

Ref: Numbers 25