Testicle Crushing – A very real issue

A penis is a valuable asset. Guard it well.

I grew up as a member of a religious group that does not allow any woman to hold a position of authority over any man; so no female priests or leaders. Women can only be in charge of children or other women. My wife still comments that she should to strap on a dildo and then demand to be a member of the clergy. In fact she usually refers to the "priesthood" as the "penishood." Before I became good friends with the bible I used to argue that being a man was more than simple plumbing. I was wrong.

Many times in the bible when the phrase “assembly of the LORD” is used it means holding a leadership position. For example: in Deuteronomy 23:8 the Lord explains that Egyptians can live among the people of Israel, but only after three generations can one of their decedents enter the “assembly of the LORD.” If someone is illegitimate their descendents have to live among the people of the Lord for 10 generations before they can hold a leadership position (Deuteronomy 23:2).

Ok, now that we’ve established what “assembly of the LORD” means, you’re ready to learn the truth. “If a man's testicles are crushed or his penis is cut off, he may not be admitted to the assembly of the LORD” (Deuteronomy 23:1, NLT).

Holy crap! It is all about having the right parts in proper working order! This also means that if a priest or leader is involved in an accident or has testicular cancer or whatever, they have to be demoted! This also explains why priests that sexually assault little boys aren’t castrated. It would effectively remove them from the burden of leadership. We can’t have that! It would be best just to move an offender to a new parish where they have a fresh lot of victims waiting.

This whole idea of sacred penises and testicles also makes the following verse so much easier to understand. “If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity” (Deuteronomy 25:11-12, NIV). That’s like the woman tried to damage the man’s sacred connection to God and his authority to boss women around!

Moral: keep your hands to yourselves, ladies. You should know better than to mess around with a sacred conduit used expressly for conveying God’s will to the less worthy.

Mercury Poisoning – A great way to slowly weed out the top of the food chain

I wonder if the ancient Hebrews had a good grasp on toxicology.

Somewhere around 430 BC the great Jewish prophet Malachi was responsible for about 1,500 words that made it into the Bible. Most of it was doom and gloom stuff about how Jehovah was going to destroy his people and stuff. However, if you pay close attention to the first chapter of Malachi you can uncover a secret plot against the Great One.

After a millennium and a half the Hebrews got tired of giving all the best bread and animals to Jehovah. They weren’t ready to just stop performing blood rituals and stuff though so they came up with a new master plan. Here’s the deal: if you have to play with blood, fat, and fire to keep Jehovah happy; why not kill the unhealthy animals to do it? Also, if you have to waste bread on Jehovah, why not use old crappy bread that you were going to throw out anyway?

The plan was implemented pretty smoothly with concurrence from the priests that actually butchered the animals, played with the blood, burned the fat and kidneys, and ate the meat. That’s right. The priests of the Great Jehovah were perfectly happy to play around with damaged goods. There was just one problem: Jehovah can tell the difference between a blood sacrifice of an unblemished animal, and one that has a limp or a funny complexion.

Jehovah was NOT happy with the change. I mean, I understand the bread. That was pretty obvious. There is a clear difference between fresh bread, and that stale moldy crap the descendents of Abraham were feeding Jehovah. The blood though, that’s different. You and I may not be able to tell the difference, but if a cow pulled a ligament and was then sacrificed; that blood is crap! You might as well collect dog poo, moldy straw, and torn upholstery to feed to your god.

Jehovah was so upset that eventually He cursed his people like this: “Cursed be the people that try to deceive me with shitty blood. I am a great King and unbelievers are afraid of me!” (Malachi 1:14)

Here’s the conspiracy: I think the people weren’t just trying to keep their healthy breeding stock around by feeding Jehovah impure blood. I think they’d gotten tired of Jehovah always pushing them around by destroying cities, causing droughts and floods, killing people and a whole litany of other stuff. They knew Jehovah was too tough for them to confront directly, but maybe, just maybe Jehovah wouldn’t notice a pulled ligament here, or a missing eye there. The people must have hoped that these impurities would build up in Jehovah like mercury in a shark. Eventually they would pass some unknown critical level that would either incapacitate or kill their god.

Moral: Jehovah notices.

Ref: Malachi 1:6-14

Human Sacrifice – I used to think Jehovah only liked smoke and blood from animals

Of course the best human sacrifices are virgin girls

Back when the Israelites were still wiping out their neighbors, Jephthah was made the captain of the combined armies of Israel. When the Ammonites attacked Israel, Jephthah sent messengers to ask why they were invading. The Ammonites responded, “It’s because the children of Israel stole our land when they came up out of Egypt.” Jephthah wasn’t versed well enough in Israeli history to know this was true, so he made up some story about how the Israelis didn’t actually take the Ammonites’ land and the Ammonites needed to back the F**K off.  Of course this message did nothing for the Ammonites so Jephthah moved to make battle.

Being the God-fearing man he was, Jephthah swore an oath to Jehovah that if the children of Israel were victorious against the Ammonites, he would offer whichever person first came out of his house to meet him when he got home as a sacrifice to the Lord. This must have worked because Jehovah helped Jephthah’s armies kill all sorts of Ammonites until the Ammonites didn’t have enough people left to mount an offensive.

When Jephthah got home he was really upset when his daughter was the first person to come out of his house to greet him. Because the daughter isn’t named in the bible, we will call her Autumn. You see, Jephthah really liked Autumn and she was his only offspring. Unfortunately Jephthah couldn’t go back on his promise and once he explained the situation to Autumn she understood that it was the only course of action. You see, she also believed that Jehovah would not have helped the Israelis kill all those Ammonites without the promise of a human sacrifice. This always makes my think of the scene in Dragonslayer where the kings daughter Princess Elspeth went willinging to be sacrificed to the dragon, as a virgin, to protect the townspeople from the dragon's wrath.

A Virgin Sacrifice for a Dragon

Autumn had a single request before she was sacrificed in accordance with Hebrew law. She just wanted to go into the wilderness with her friends so they could cry for two months because she was going to die a virgin. This made a lot of sense to Jephthah because he, like most men, believed that all females are eager for sex and can’t live properly without it.

Autumn bewailing her virginity

Two months later, Autumn came back home like she promised. Then she was sacrificed. For those that don’t know, this means a priest grabbed Autumn by the head and killed her in front of a crowd. Then the priest sprinkled her blood on an altar. Finally, Autumn’s fat and kidneys were removed and burned on the altar. This constitutes an “offering made by fire, of a sweet savour unto the Lord.”

Moral: the Lord doesn’t always stop a parent from sacrificing their child.

Ref: Judges 11:29-39 & Leviticus 3:1-6

Note: when I tell biblical stories this horrific, I always have a hard time typing by the end because I get upset. Also, when I started writing this I planned to focus on the whole “bewailing virginity” thing because it's funny, but by the time I got there; I just didn’t have it in me.

Killing Ahab’s Kids – Ahab and Jezebal kill one, Jehovah kills seventy

Jehovah will never be outdone

Some of you may remember that King Ahab and his wife Jezebel used deceit to have some guy named Naboth killed so they could take Naboth’s vineyard and use it for an herb garden (link). At the time Jehovah decided He wasn’t going to kill Ahab and Jezebal right away, but would wait and kill all their sons. This was a pretty significant feat because Ahab had seventy sons.

After Ahab died in battle, Jehovah made Jehu the new king. Jehu personally killed a couple of Ahab’s allies and had some eunuchs toss Jezebel out a window so she died too (link). Then Jehu wrote a bunch of letters to the people who were raising Ahab’s sons and told them to send him the kids’ heads. These gentlemen were really upset. They didn’t necessarily want to kill Ahab’s kids and there was a pretty strong movement to depose Jehu and put one of Ahab’s sons on the throne.

Fortunately, everyone else in those communities wanted to support Jehu so they sent him letters asking for info on how best to serve. To these individuals Jehu then sent the command for head removal. The heads were all removed, placed in baskets and delivered to Jehu. Then Jehu had everyone connected with Ahab’s extended family, including servants and priests, killed.

Ahab was pretty clever and knew Jehovah didn’t like Baal, so he came up with a plan to kill all the followers of Baal. He made a proclamation saying that he was going to be a HUGE supporter of Baal and called a grand assembly for the Baalites. Once everyone was in place, Jehu had them all killed. Unfortunately Jehu didn’t completely manage to return everyone to the worship of Jehovah because he just couldn’t bring himself to stop worshiping the golden calves in Bethel and Dan.

Moral: when Jehovah wants to wipe out someone’s bloodline, He just needs to enlist the aid of a golden calf worshiper.

Ref: 2 Kings 10

The God-Borg – “You will be assimilated”

God only absorbs the best and the brightest.

The Borg are a collection of different species in the Star Trek universe who have been given a variety of cybernetic implants and attachments that effectively force them to participate in a group consciousness, or “hive mind.” The Borg capture the uninitiated and convert them to Borg through a process called “assimilation.” The Borg plan to convert the entire universe, thereby achieving perfection.

 

The Borg - image taken from www.startrek.com



From the Book of Revelation we learn this is God’s ultimate goal with one major difference. God doesn’t assimilate just anyone. He is very selective and only chooses those that “overcome.” When Christ comes again everyone will be destroyed. However, “He that overcometh, the same shall be clothed in white; for they are worthy” (Revelation 3:5). Also, “He that overcometh will I make a pillar in the temple of my God, and the name of the city of God, which is new Jerusalem, which cometh down out of heaven from my God; and I will write upon him my new name” (Revelation 3:12).

Ok, so those that “overcome” will get white clothes and will have Christ’s new name written on their foreheads. Here’s the best part, “To him that overcometh will I grant to sit with me in my throne, even as I also overcame, and am set down with my father in his throne” (Revelation 3:21). Yes, even as Christ “overcame” and is one with the Father (sharing a throne), the mortals that “overcome” will become one with Christ (sharing a throne).

It’s pretty clear from all this that God functions like the Borg, assimilating people that “overcome” and destroying the rest. Do you suppose God is also planning to convert the entire universe in an attempt to achieve perfection?

Moral: Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated, or you will be destroyed.

Pretty Non-Combatants – Enjoying the spoils of war

This makes me wonder who gets first pick.

The United States is not a Christian nation. This may seems like a bold statement to some so let me explain. If the US was a Christian nation, its soldiers and citizens would obey the laws of God. This almost never happens. You might expect such a statement to be followed by a lecture on charity or something. If so, you are wrong. Today we are going to examine God’s laws regarding the capture and rape of pretty girls in a combat zone.

Here is what God tell the male soldiers to do:

When you go to war and win, you should examine everyone you haven’t killed (taken captive). If you see a particularly beautiful woman and want to have sex with her, you take her home. Once she’s there you have to shave her head and trim her fingernails. Then you have to buy her new clothes and give her one month to cry about being separated from her parents and being forced into sex slavery. After that you are legally married and can start having the sex.

If you like the sex, the looks, and the personality you can keep her forever. However, if after the sex happens you decide you don’t like her, you have to let her go. Don’t even think about selling her though. God won’t allow you to treat her like merchandise because you raped/married her.

Now, you may argue that the US is trying to be a Christian nation by gang raping POWs and non-combatants; but deep down in your heart you know this isn’t true. If American soldiers were really following the word of God, they wouldn’t just rape people. First they would take them home, shave their heads, trim their nails, and buy them new clothes; then wait a full month before committing the rape. Oh, and because God doesn’t endorse polyandry (many men, one woman) there could be no gang rape.

Moral: nobody does what God wants anymore. Are we all dammed?

Ref: Deuteronomy 21:10-14