Adam and Lilith – A new year, a new start

I think stories about the beginnings of our world are well-suited for the beginning of a new year

Here’s the deal: The biblical account is a bit sterile and self-conflicting when discussion the origin of the first man and woman. To make this post interesting I’m going to have to draw on some really old Jewish Folklore. Genesis 1:27 states that Elohim made man and woman in his own image on the sixth day of creation. Then later, in Genesis 2:21 we learn that AFTER Adam named all the animals (which I presume took quite some time), Elohim took a rib from Adam’s chest to make Eve.

This is a pretty serious disconnect. You should be wondering now what happened to the woman Elohim made at the same time Adam was formed. Since you probably weren’t alive in the Middle Ages when this was a common belief, I’ll tell you.


"Lilith" by John Collier, 1892


When Elohim made Adam from the dust he also made the woman Lilith. Things would have been OK except Adam wanted to be the guy in charge, ruling over Lilith. Lilith was a feminist and would have nothing to do with that. Lilith claimed she and Adam were equal because they were formed from the same dust. Naturally they quarreled. Eventually Lilith got so sick of dealing with Adam that she ran away from the Garden. While she was wandering the desolate world she ran into the archangel Samael with whom she developed a sexual relationship. She was satisfied by Samael so when Elohim sent three angels to force her to return to Adam she refused and said from that time forward she would weaken and kill babies as revenge for how poorly Adam treated her.

The angels were able to overpower Lilith and she was forced to promise that any mother who hung an amulet over their baby with the names of the three angels would be safe from her rage. These are known as Lilith Amulets and were used to prevent Sudden Infant Death Syndrom (SIDS).

Today Lilith lives in a cave with all the demons she spawned from her relationship with Samael (who is now known as the angel of death). She causes wet dreams and when a vain young woman spends too much time posing in front of a mirror Lilith is able to slip through the mirror and take possession of that girl so she can stir her desires. This causes the young woman to become really slutty and have sex with the young men who live in her neighborhood.

Some people claim that it was Lilith who convinced Eve to partake of the forbidden fruit as an act of revenge, but that just seems crazy.



ADDENDUM

I shared this post with my friend Sinn Solace and he had this to say:

My favorite part of the Lilith lore is that she seems pretty reasonable, smart, and independent until she leaves the garden. Its only when you get the male angels coming back to tell everyone what Lilith is up to that you get the real crazy stuff.

ADAM: So guys, how's my ex? Did she say anything about me? Is she still shackin' up with that Sam dude? Is his loincloth cooler than mine?

ANGEL: Man, she is a total bitch. I was like, "Hey you need to shut up and get back to yer man" and she was all like "Dude, I have a family and a house and a mortgage and I'm so over Adam and his bullshit"

ADAM: No way, she didn't say that.

ANGEL: Totes did. I told her her new boyfriend is like, a total jackass and is like 500 feet tall with scary laser eyes but she just blew me off. Women. I'll bet she's pms'ing. That's a thing right? Or are we not fallen yet? Fuck, whatever. I'll bet she eats babies.

ADAM: Fer real, yo. What a crazy skank. Forget her.

Hallelujah – Another Great Bible-Inspired Song

I love this song

This song was first released in December of 1984. It was written and performed by the Canidian singer/songwriter Leonard Cohen. I first heard it while watching the movie Shrek. The film uses a cover by Rufus Wainwrigt that is simply stunning.

I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Baby I have been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you
The holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe there's a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
It's not a cry you can hear at night
It's not somebody who has seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well, really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light in every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Link to the Shrek Soundtrack, if you’re interested.

Merry Christmas Part 2 – The birth of Jesus

Of course it seems possible. Everything appears possible to those who already believe.

According to the Gospel of St. Luke, approximately 2,000 years ago Cæsar Augustus commanded that all the world be taxed. In a massive display of dickishness, Cæsar said that in order to pay these taxes and be counted in the census everyone would have to return to their ancestral city. Of course this is absurd. What if someone didn’t know which city was their ancestral city? What if they had great grandparents who were born in different cities, which city would they go to? Exactly how far back does someone go along their ancestral line to determine the correct city? If a husband and wife have different ancestral homes they probably go to the husbands, but what about widows and spinsters? Does the city that counted a young woman when she traveled with her dad get confused when she doesn’t show up the next year because she got married? What about people too old to travel, do they get thrown in jail? Rich people travel with servants. How much trouble does it cause if the servants are forced to go to their master’s tax/census city so they can’t make it to their own? Of even greater concern is the economics of such a venture. If everyone had to take a month off work to go get counted and pay their taxes, that would represent an 8.3% decrease in annual productivity (and therefore tax income). No emperor of Rome was ever that stupid.

Even though this idea is so patently false, we’ll go ahead and indulge it now for the sake of the story. Joseph claimed he was descended from King David so he went to the City of David (Bethlehem). He took along his wife Mary. They’d been married a few months now so Mary was about ready to pop out Sarah’s older brother’s baby (complete with the touch of Holy Spirit). Between the taxes he owed and the huge amount he’d paid to buy Mary from her parents, Joseph just didn’t have enough coin left to pay for a room so he they were spending their nights in a cave outside of town that someone was using to shelter their animals. This worked out pretty well though because when Mary squeezed out Jesus she was able to set him in little manger, chock full of nice clean animal food, to rest between feedings.

That’s right, Jesus had to eat. I don’t know why people don’t ever think about Mary breast feeding. Of course Jesus would suck on her nipples. Seriously people, we don’t want the little guy to starve to death. This is the cool thing about Jesus breast feeding: when Jesus was really little there was a lot of extra magic floating around from his zygotic contact with the “Holy Spirit” so when he was especially content (i.e. breastfeeding) he would glow. He would glow really brightly. In fact, the light was so bright that it attracted all the shepherds working the night shift in the surrounding fields. They came to visit the baby and said, “This baby is clearly wondrous and magical. Surely such a creature is a sign that a time of great peace will shortly be upon us. Praise be to the Lord for allowing us to see such a miraculous thing.”

Then, many years later Christians started celebrating Jesus’ birth during the Winter solstice (probably around the year 354), which is a shame. Jesus was clearly not born in the winter near Jerusalem. Those months are much too wet for shepherds to be out in the hills with their flocks. It’s also pretty lame that the Romans celebrated the solstice on December 25^th instead of the 21^st. Oh well. At least the Germans were good enough to lend Sinterklaas to the Americans in the 19^th century so they could come up with Santa Claus. Yay for Santa!

Merry Christmas Folks. Seriously.

Ref: Luke 2:1-17

Merry Christmas Part 1 – The really confusing story of how Mary got knocked up

This is going to be really offensive to fans of Mary and the virgin birth

It’s pretty common knowledge that Christians believe Mary was made pregnant through the power of God and gave birth to Jesus as a virgin. However, the scriptural accounts are not really that clear if you know what to look for. The account in the Gospel According to St. Matthew says that while Mary was engaged to Joseph people discovered she had been knocked up by “The Holy Spirit.” The Gospel according to St. Luke says that the “power” of God would “rest upon” Mary and she would become pregnant.

I see two possible explanations for these accounts.

First: Several times in the New Testament, God is referred to as the Holy Spirit. Also the phallus has been a symbol of power since people first understood symbolism. This symbolism was MUCH more powerful 2,000 years ago than it is now of course. So then; God got Mary pregnant after she was engaged to Joseph by holding her down (resting upon her) and using his power (phallus).

Second: Mary got pregnant through more conventional means and the child was made holy (magical) through the Holy Spirit which “rested” upon Mary.

According to the American Heritage Medical Dictionary rape is “the crime of forcing another person to submit to sex acts, especially sexual intercourse.” Because Mary acted surprised when she figured out she was pregnant I highly doubt she gave the almighty permission to impregnate her. Did Jehovah rape his mother so he could be born in the flesh? I think not. That’s why I’m more inclined to believe the second possibility is the correct one.

Here’s how I see it happening: Mary had her first period and told her mom. Mom got super excited because it meant Mary was old enough to be sold to a suitor. Mom and Dad were short on cash and Mary was super hot so they figured they could find someone with boatloads of cash. After a sort search they figured out all the really rich dudes were already married or tied up by previous arrangements. Fortunately there was this older carpenter in town who had been saving up for a hot virgin bride since he was a kid. He was the only one with the cash so Mary’s parents made the deal.

When Mary’s parents told her she was engaged to this old guy Joseph she got pretty upset. This is pretty understandable, after all she had just barely turned 13 and Joseph didn’t have all his teeth anymore and didn’t really wash up that often. Oh, and his hands were really calloused and rough looking. In any case, Mary stormed out of the house and went to her friend Sarah’s house. They broke into Sarah’s parents’ liquor cabinet and got pretty smashed before Mary got it into her head that she didn’t want her first time to be with Mr. Smelly McRoughHands. To take care of this problem she crawled into Sarah’s older brother’s bed (for whom she’s always had a little crush) shortly before dawn. Older brother was more than happy to take care of Mary’s need and after he finished up Mary had this vision where an angel came to her and said, “Behold, thou shalt conceive in thy womb, and bring forth a son, and shalt call his name Jesus. The power of God will overpower your womb and the holy thing which shall be born of thee shall be called the Son of God.”

When Joseph noticed that Mary was pregnant before their wedding day he was pretty upset so Mary lied and told him that although she was pregnant, she like, totally never had sex. She spontaneously got pregnant with Jehovah’s baby. Joseph didn’t really believe Mary; after all he wasn’t TOTALLY retarded. He’d already made the down payment to Mary’s parents though. So he decided that in light of everything, Mary was still hot enough to warrant continuing with the purchase.

Ref: Matthew 1:18, Luke 1:31 & Luke 1:35

Samuel Meets Yahweh – How hearing voices can be a good thing

I’m sure that Samuel was NOT schizophrenic; absolutely certain

Samuel grew up in the temple because his mom turned him over to the Lord right after he stopped nursing. He was mostly raised by the old priest Eli. One night when Samuel was still a kid he heard a voice call him right after he went to bed. The voice said, “Samuel.” Because Samuel wasn’t used to hearing unexplained voices he got out of bed, walked to Eli’s room and said, “I heard you call me. Here I am.” Eli immediately recognized this as a tactic to delay bedtime so he said, “I didn’t call you Samuel. Go back to bed. This time stay there.”

Right after Samuel lay down in his bed again he heard the same voice call, “Samuel.” Once again Samuel walked to Eli’s room and said, “I heard you call me. Here I am.” Eli was annoyed that Samuel had left his bed again, so this time he said, “Look Samuel, I didn’t call you. I’m sorry you can’t sleep but you just need to lay there in the dark. I heard somewhere that lying away in bed is almost as good as sleep anyway if you hold still and don’t make any noise.”

So Samuel went back to bed again. Just as you might expect he heard the same voice again a third time. Because Samuel didn’t want to get into any more trouble with Eli, he walked to Eli’s room and third time and once again said, “I heard you call me. Here I am.” By now Eli was getting really upset and he said, “Look kid, I haven’t been calling you. If you hear this alleged voice again you need to just stay in bed. If you’re that worried about it, you could even try talking to the voice to see if it can hear you.”

The fourth time Samuel heard this voice he stayed in bed just like Eli told him and said, “Why are you calling my name? Please tell me.” Then the voice, which turned out to be Yahweh said, “I have some important stuff to tell you Samuel. Eli’s not a very good father to his biological children. They do all sorts of bad stuff like have sex with the young women who gather outside the tabernacle and Eli hasn’t done anything to stop them. Therefore I’m going to destroy him and his children. They will never be forgiven for their crimes, and when I say never I mean it.”

The next morning when Eli was well-rested it occurred to him that maybe the reason Samuel was acting so strangely the night before was because Yahweh was trying to talk with him. Eli immediately wanted to know why Yahweh was talking with Samuel instead of with him so he called Samuel and said, “Look, I know you were talking with Yahweh last night and you are going to tell me everything he said or I will beat you until your outsides and in and your inside are out. Capisce?”

So Samuel told Eli what Yahweh told him and Eli said, “Well, if that’s what Yahweh wants to do who’s going to stop him. After all, He is the Lord.”

Yep. Definitely not schizophrenic.

Ref: 1 Samuel 3

Hannah gives Samuel to the Lord – Who knew that Jehovah was looking to adopt?

My limericks are getting worse, much worse

Elkanah had two wives
Who satisfied his drives
Peninnah gave birth
Hannah had a dearth
Of kids to share their lives

Elkanah had these two wives, Hannah and Peninnah. As is so often the case in these biblical stories, Elkanah liked Hannah best, but Peninnah was the one who kept having children. Hannah’s inability to produce offspring was a cause of great concern to her (she was probably pre-pubescent and Elkanah liked her best because he was turned off by “personal hair”). Peninnah always worked to make things worse too. It was very clear to Peninnah that Hannah was the favorite wife so Peninnah was mean to her as often as possible. Because the lack of kids was a sore spot for Hannah, that was usually how Peninnah tried to make Hannah feel like dirt: dirt that can’t reproduce.

One day Hannah went to the temple and prayed. She told Jehovah that if he would give her a baby then she would give him to the Lord and make sure that kid never had his hair cut (God digs long hair on dudes). The priest Eli noticed this young woman kneeling by the temple steps and moving her lips. He figured she’d snuck some liquor from her parents, had fallen to her knees by the temple, and was trying to work out how to stand up again.

Eli walked over to Hannah and said, “You are way too young, and it is way too early in the morning for you to be stumbling around drunk. You really need to lay off the alcohol.” Hannah answered saying, “I am not drunk sir. I’m just sad. I’ve been kneeling here praying to the Lord.” Eli felt kinda bad for judging her so he said, “Oh, ok. Um, you can leave now. I’m quite certain that Jehovah will give you what you’ve asked for.”

So Hannah went home and she had sex that night with Elkanah. God must have liked Hannah WAY better than all the other women who pray for children because she got pregnant that very evening. Hannah gave birth without incident and named the kid Samuel. As soon as she stopped nursing (so the kid was probably three of four – that’s right, people used to nurse for WAY longer than they do now) she took him to the temple and told Eli he would have to care for him from then on because that was part of her deal with God.

The best part of this story is that after giving Samuel to Eli, Hannah had another five kids. It's amazing how much going through puberty helps when you're trying to reproduce. In fact, I fully endorse puberty as something every women should experience before trying to have kids.

Ref: 1 Samuel 1 & 1 Samuel 2:20-21

Yahweh Kills Korah and his Buddies – When in doubt, kill. It’s what God wants.

Letting the Lord be a part of your daily life seems like a good way to get killed

And it came to pass that in the days of Moses wherein the children of Israel sojourned in the desert that Korah the Levite and 250 of the great princes of the assembly rose up to address Moses. That’s right, you heard me. Korah and his celebrity friends went to have a little chat with Moses one day. They said, “Moses and Aaron, you two have way too much power to decide what happens to us. You need to share some of that responsibility and authority. Everyone in the congregation is a holy person and Yahweh is with all of us. Why then do the two of you use your ‘holiness’ as an excuse to boss everyone around?”

Moses was not pleased these individuals were challenging his authority. Fortunately he was quick on his feet and instantly formulated a plan. He said, “Alright then. All of you all who are here challenging us bring some incense tomorrow and you will burn it to honor Yahweh. Aaron and his priests will do the same. Then Yahweh will show us who is holy.” Moses then had a talk with God and told Him to not accept the offering of Korah and his buddies.

At the time set aside for burning the incense the next day Moses said, “Everyone pay attention. Yahweh put me in charge of you all. If these men who are assembled against me die, it means I’m in charge. If the Lord visits them peacefully it means that I’m not supposed to be in charge.” Right after Moses stopped talking a huge pit appeared in the ground. Korah, all his relatives, their houses, and all their property fell into the pit. Then Yahweh shot out streams of flame that consumed the 250 celebrity princes with the incense.

The next day the surviving children of Israel started to complain because Moses had killed so many of the Lord’s people; as you might expect. Because Yahweh can’t stand whining he said to Moses, “Get away from all these people so I can destroy them too.” Moses didn’t want EVERYONE to die so he made Aaron grab some incense and run like crazy among the people so the Lord would not destroy them. This sort of worked. Only 14,700 people were killed for complaining instead of everyone.

Moral: Don’t complain, seriously. If you do Yahweh will get you!

Ref: Numbers 16

Isaiah warns us about Jesus – You better eat your vegetables or Jesus will get you!

There’s nothing better than religion for instilling fear

One of the things that Christian bible scholars really love to do is tie Old Testament passages to Jesus. This is intended to prove that Jesus literally is Jehovah and he told the old Testament prophets to let people know that he would be coming in the flesh as a true descendent of King David.

One of the passages attributed to Jesus is Isaiah 8:14-15. If these Christian scholars are correct then “God Made Flesh” will provide safety, but not to the Israelites. Instead he will be an insurmountable obstacle in the form of a giant rock free from concern for mankind. He will be a snare (trap) for the inhabitants of Jerusalem and many of the Israeli people will either trip over the giant rock, fall, and break or be snared and taken.

This makes Isaiah 8:13 sensible: “Sanctify the Lord of hosts himself; and let him be your fear, and let him be your dread (KJV).”

Hopefully you are reading this the same way I am. Jesus/Jehovah was supposed to come in Isaiah’s future to cause Israel to fall, to harm the people, to destroy hope. If you don’t fear Jesus then you are defying his own commandment given through one of his better known prophets: the great Isaiah.

The whole thing makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Yay.

Ref: Isaiah 8:14-15

Daniel and the Den of Lions – Don’t mess with Texas

Jehovah, meet Ironman

Daniel, the servant of Jehovah, was highly esteemed in the days of King Darius. He was so great that eventually he became the King’s right-hand man. Of course all the King’s other advisors were crazy jealous and sought to bring about Daniel’s destruction. Because Daniel was so great they knew he would never do anything stupid or illegal so they decided to trap him by taking advantage of his relationship with Jehovah.

These other advisors approached the King one day and said, “All of your advisors have consulted together and written a decree that no one is allowed to pray to the Hebrew god for the next thirty days without your express permission, or he shall be cast into the den of lions. Now go ahead and sign it.” King Darius was ok with this, so he signed the decree.

Because Daniel was a good little Jehovah lover he kept right on praying so it was easy for these “other advisors” to catch him in the act and report him to the King. Darius was very upset when he learned his favorite advisor had violated the decree, but because he couldn’t afford to lose face he went ahead and had Daniel thrown into the lion den.  

Poor Daniel was handled very roughly when he was thrown into the den. He was critically injured and a fragment of iron ended up lodged in his chest. Jehovah was able to intercede with the lions on Daniel’s behalf and keep them from eating him, but wasn’t able to safely extract the iron from Daniel’s chest where it was slowly making its way toward his heart. Fortunately for Daniel the Nobel Prize winning physicist, Dr. Ho Yinsen, was already in the den. Dr. Yinsen decided to help Daniel and made a super magic electromagnetic chest plate to keep the iron fragment from reaching Daniel’s heart.

After Daniel shared his story with Dr. Yinsen they decided the “other advisors” would probably notice the lions weren’t eating Daniel and come to finish him off themselves while they could blame the death on the lions. Escape was the only option. To this end, Dr. Yinsen and Daniel were able to secretly construct a suit of Jehovah powered armor while in the den. True to their expectation, the advisors attacked. Unfortunately they arrived a little earlier than expected and the suit hadn’t finished powering up.



Daniel in his powered armor

Yinsen chose to sacrifice himself by single-handedly attacking the group of advisors. This gave Daniel enough time to finish powering the suit and fly away. Daniel flew straight to King Darius’ palace where he crash landed, destroying the suit. The King was overjoyed to see Daniel was still alive and had the “other advisors” who had accused Daniel of being a Jehovah lover thrown into the den of lions. Because Jehovah didn’t like these advisors and Dr. Yinsen was now dead there was no one to keep the lions from ripping all those advisors into tiny little pieces.

Moral: When magic and physics join forces, those on the opposing team are eaten by lions.

Ref: Daniel 6

The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 7 – Jacob gets ready to meet Esau again

Jacob is an awesome wrestler

When Jacob got close to home he sent some messengers to let Chewbacca know he was coming. He told the messengers to tell Chewy he had been living with their cousin/uncle Laban and now had a large collection of oxen, asses, flocks, boy slaves, and girl slaves. Also: he wanted Chewy to like him.

The messengers returned and told Jacob that Chewy was coming to meet him with a company of 400 men. Jacob was pretty prudent so he divided his company into two groups with the idea that it Chewy decided to destroy one of the groups the other could get away. Then he took about five hundred of his farm animals and divided them into several groups. He told his servants to take the groups of animals to Chewy separately and each time to tell him they were presents from Jacob who was coming along behind.

This night things got a little weird. After the gifts had been sent off toward Chewy, Jacob took his two wives, his two baby-making slaves, and his 11 sons and sent them across the steam so he was alone. As soon as the women and children were out of sight a strange man attached Jacob and they wrestled through the entire night. When dawn came, the strange man told Jacob to let him go because the sun was going to come up. Then the strange man revealed that he was, in fact, Yahweh. Yahweh told Jacob he needed to change his name to Israel because he was a good enough wrestler to beat God (weird, I know).

When the sun came up Jacob/Israel saw Chewy coming with his small army. He asked the women and children to walk behind him and approached Chewy fearing for his life. However, when Chewy got close he ran to meet Jacob/Israel, hugged him, kissed him, and wept with joy. Chewy asked who the women and children were and Jacob/Israel explained they were his family. The women and children all bowed to Chewy. Then Chewy tried to give back the animals but Jacob/Israel wouldn’t take them and said he was just happy to have Chewy like him.

And they all lived happily ever after (for a little while).

Ref: Genesis 32-33

The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 6 – Rachel is a very naughty girl

Always make sure your favorite wife isn’t a criminal before describing the terms of punishment

After Jacob decided to leave Laban to head home with his wives, livestock, slaves, and other riches his favorite wife Rachel snuck into her father’s tent and stole his collection of images. These images were the little pagan gods Laban worshiped and Rachel was nervous about leaving home without them.

As soon as Laban figured out that Jacob had taken off with his daughters and grandchildren he gathered up his “brethren” (whatever that means) and chased down Jacob. The night before he caught Jacob Yahweh showed up and told Laban to “Take heed that speak not to Jacob either good or bad.” Laban didn’t have his pagan gods with him (because that bitch Rachel stole them) so he decided to keep Yahweh’s instruction in mind when he caught up with Jacob.

“You jerk,” Laban blurted out as soon as he got close to Jacob. “How dare you take away my daughters like a bandit that comes in the night? You were very foolish to take away my opportunity to throw a going away party and to kiss my grandchildren farewell. Now, I would be kicking your ass right now if Yahweh hadn’t told me to behave myself. As it is, I understand you want to go home after all these years working for me. I just need to know: Why the hell did you steal my gods?”

Jacob responded, “I snuck away because I was afraid you would take your daughters from me by force. As for the gods, I didn’t take them, but I will help you look for them and we will kill whoever has them.” They searched through the camp, but Rachel was very clever and hid the gods under her camel’s saddle and sat upon it. Then when her dad came into the tent she said, “I’m sorry I don’t stand up to greet you, but I’m on the rag right now, so what can you do, right?”

Due to that lying bitch Rachel’s cleverness Laban didn’t find his gods and Jacob got upset and yelled at Laban for harassing them after he’d worked for him the past 20 years to earn the daughters and the cattle. Laban felt a little badly about the situation then so he said, “You know, all these people; they come from me. They are either my daughters or grandchildren. The animals also come from me. How then could I ever do anything to harm any of them? Let us make a promise now to never try to kill each other.

So they held this big ceremonial promise thing involving a big pile of rocks and Laban went home. Rachel kept those gods though, the crafty bitch.

Ref: Genesis 31:19-55

The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 5 – Jacob works for his uncle/cousin/father-in-law a bunch more

Yahweh takes a hand at genetic engineering

Now Rachel was pretty mad that Leah kept having kids and she didn’t. Of course she didn’t realize that the arrival of pubic hair and breasts are usually seen as a prerequisite. To deal with the situation Rachel gave one of her slaves to Jacob to make babies. This slave had two sons, Dan and Naphtali, which Rachel claimed as her own. Not to be outdone Leah gave her slave to Jacob and she had two sons, Gad and Asher. Then one day Rachel noticed Leah’s son Reuben had found a bunch of mandrakes. Rachel told Leah to give her the mandrakes. Leah didn’t want to and said, “What the hell? It’s bad enough that you stole my husband, but now you want my son’s mandrakes? No way bitch!” Rachel was a clever girl and usually knew how to get her way. She said, “Look, if you give me the mandrakes I’ll make sure Jacob has sex with you tonight.” Leah was really hard up so she agreed and Jacob started having sex with her again. She had two more sons, Issachar and Zebulun, and a daughter, Dinah.

FINALLY enough time passed that Rachel hit puberty. She was then able to get pregnant and had a son which she named Joseph of the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat.

After Joseph was born Jacob went and asked Laban, his cousin/uncle/father-in-law, permission to take his wives and children and go back home. Laban didn’t like that idea very much. He said that Yahweh was clearly helping him out because Jacob was there and invited Jacob to stay and work longer. He just had to name his price. Jacob agreed to stay in exchange for all the speckled and spotted cows and goats and the brown sheep. This sounded ok to Laban, but he didn’t count on Jacob and Yahweh being such sneaky bastards. You see, every time the strong non-speckled/brown animals would get together to make babies Jacob set some striped sticks in the ground in front of them. All the animals that conceived while looking at the sticks had brown or speckled babies which then belonged to Jacob. He let the weak animals conceived naturally so Laban only got the inferior offspring.

After a while Laban figured out something was fishy about the arrangement with Jacob and he stopped being such a fan of having Jacob work for him. Yahweh noticed and told Jacob it was time to take all his stuff and move back home. Jacob had a family meeting and asked his wives what they thought. Leah said, “Screw that old bastard. He sold me to some jerk that doesn’t even like me.” And Rachel said, “Yeah. He sold me too; way before I was old enough to make babies. That was really bad for my self-esteem. Screw that bastard. We’re both going with you and our kids.”

Ref: Genesis 30:1 - 31:18

The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 4 – Jacob meets his cousin Rachel and starts to work for his uncle

Some cousins are more expensive than others

As soon as Jacob arrived in Haran he met Rachel. He was so impressed by her very young body that he got water from the well for her sheep, kissed her and told her they were very closely related. Rachel went and told her dad Laban that his sister’s son had come to visit. After Jacob had been living with Laban for a month Laban said, “You know, it’s just not proper for you to work for me for free. Tell me what I should give you for pay.” This was an easy answer for Jacob who had been hot for cousin since he first saw Rachel. He said, “I will work for you for seven years in exchange for your daughter Rachel.” Laban liked this deal because he figured it was better than just selling Rachel to someone not so closely related.

After seven short years the happy day of the wedding arrived. Laban threw a huge party and married Rachel’s older sister Leah to Jacob. At the end of the evening Jacob took Leah back to his tent for some conjugal bliss. The next morning when Jacob woke up he noticed that this woman in his bed was not Rachel, NOT RACHEL. The dumb bastard didn’t notice he was fucking the wrong sister!

Naturally Jacob was super upset so he stormed over to his cousin(through his dad)/uncle(through his mom)/father-in-law(through his wife Leah)’s tent and demanded to know why he had been so cruelly deceived. Laban had been expecting this and he coolly replied, “Around these here parts it’s just not natural to sell the younger daughter before her older sister has been sold. Don’t worry, as long as you’re a good little boy and screw Leah’s brains out over this next week you can marry Rachel and pay for her with your next seven years of service.”

So in short order Jacob was married to both of his cousins. The thing was, he just didn’t like Leah that much. Yeah, she had nice eyes but she didn’t have very good skin and was just way too thin. Yahweh noticed and decided that Leah should have children and that Rachel, just like all the cousin/wives before her should be barren (I personally suspect all these women were pre-pubescent rather than barren and that’s why they could have kids further down the road).

So while Jacob was still paying for Rachel, Leah had four sons. First there was Reuben and Leah said, “Surely the Lord hath looked upon my affliction; now therefore my husband will love me.” Then there was Simeon and Leah said, “Because the Lord hath heard that I was hated, he hath therefore given me this son also.” Third was Levi and Leah said, “Now this time will my husband be joined unto me, because I have born him three sons.” Finally she had Judah. By then she had figured out that it didn’t matter how many sons she had, Jacob was never going to see her as anything other than an easy lay when Rachel wasn’t in the mood so she just said, “Now will I praise the Lord.”

Ref: Genesis 29

The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 3 – Jacob steals the birthright

It’s the way Yahweh wanted it: honest

When Isaac got old enough that he couldn’t see very well anymore he decided it was just about time to die so he called in his favorite son, Chewbacca, and said, “I’m going to die soon, so please go kill a deer and make me some of that savory meat I love so much. Then I’m going to bless you.” Well, Isaac’s wife Rebekah heard this and because she liked Chewy’s twin brother Jacob best she hatched a plan to get him Isaac’s end-of-life blessing.

Rebekah told Jacob to go kill two baby goats and make savory meat the way Isaac liked it so he could get the super awesome magical blessing. Jacob immediately saw a flaw in this plan and said, “I’m all for tricking Dad to get this blessing thing, but I’m pretty sure he’ll notice I’m not Chewy. I mean look at him. He could easily pass for a bantha and I’m smoother than Mark Hamill.” This was no obstacle for Rebekah who replied, “Don’t worry, I’ve got it covered. I’m just going to dress you in Chewy’s clothes and cover your exposed skin in goat pelts.”

After the whole façade had been put together Jacob walked into his dad’s tent and said, “It’s your favorite son, Chewy. I got you the meat just like you wanted so now bless me.” Isaac wasn’t retarded so he immediately suspected something was up and asked, “How did you get this meat so quickly, and why do you sound like Jacob?”

Isaac may not have been retarded but he was definitely gullible. So when Jacob said, “I got the meat so fast because Yahweh helped me get it and you can totally tell I’m Chewy because I feel all hairy. Seriously, check it out,” Isaac believed him. Just to be sure though, Isaac felt Jacob’s arms and hands and smelled his clothes. The hands and arms were hairy and the clothes sure smelled like Chewy’s clothes: good to go.

Isaac ate the meat, washed it down with some wine, and blessed Jacob to always have dew from heaven, the fatness of the earth, and plenty of corn and wine. Isaac also blessed Jacob to be master of other nations and the master of his siblings forever.

As soon as the blessing was finished Jacob booked it out of there. Just in time too, because right after Jacob left Isaac’s tent Chewy showed up with his meat and asked for the blessing. Isaac said, “Oh no! I can’t. I already gave it to your brother who tricked me. I blessed him to be your master and have endless wine. There’s nothing left for you.” Then Chewy said, “Augh, I hate that little rat-bastard. First he tricked me out of getting to be in charge of the family after you die, and now he gets to be the boss of me. He even gets all the wine.” Then Isaac felt bad so he gave Chewy a mini blessing to have dew from heaven and to someday not have Jacob be in charge of him anymore.

This wasn’t nearly enough to calm Chewy’s rage. He swore that as soon as their dad died he was going to kill Jacob to get even. When Rebekah heard about this plan she sent Jacob to live with her brother Laban in Haran and told him to not come back until she sent for him. You know, so Chewy could have a few years to cool off.

Ref: Genesis 27

The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 2 – Jacob and Esau

Sibling rivalry on a biblical scale

In proper keeping with family tradition, just like Abraham’s cousin/wife, Isaac’s cousin/wife Rebekah was barren (note: if fertility is a problem in your family, stop marrying your cousins). But it was ok because Isaac was a good little boy who prayed to Yahweh. Yahweh then helped Rebekah get pregnant. In fact, Yahweh is so good at the whole pregnancy thing that Rebekah ended up carrying twins. The first one came out as a hairy carpet and looked very much like Chewbacca so for this story we’ll just call him Chewy. The second one was Jacob who came out nice and smooth.

Chewy was a hard worker and spent most of his time hunting. Jacob spent all his time in the tents, having his nails done, his hair styled, and trying on clothes. Their father, Isaac, liked Chewy best because he was a man’s man, provided delicious animals to eat, and was the starting left tackle for four years at Notre Dame. Rebekah liked Jacob best because he looked really sharp and was always game for a late brunch, an afternoon of shopping, or an evening of cupcakes and cocktails.

One evening Jacob was sitting outside with some lentil soup and bread he’d nicked from the kitchen when Chewy came home from a long day of work outside. Chewy hadn’t eaten all day and was super hungry. He said, “Hey girly man, give me that food or I’ll pummel you.” Jacob wasn’t about to be pushed around by a thug like Chewbacca so he said, “You wouldn’t dare. Mom would never feed you again if you laid a finger on me. In fact, if you want this food you’re going to have to promise me that I get to be head of the family after Dad dies.” Chewy knew he’d been outmaneuvered so he said, “Fine. It won’t do me much good if I starve to death. Just give me the food and you can be in charge after dad dies.”

So Chewy ate his newly acquired food and went back to work, having been cleverly outmaneuvered by his sissy little brother.

Ref: Genesis 25: 20-34

The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 1 – Isaac and Rebekah get hitched

Yahweh is really good at finding hot virgins

When Abraham got really old he decided that it was time for his son Isaac to get married. However, he didn’t want to see his son with one of those nasty local girls so he called in his senior slave and said, “I need you to put your hand UNDER MY THIGH and promise you won’t find Isaac a wife among the locals. You have to go to my hometown and fetch one of his cousins.” The slave then asked, “What if the woman doesn‘t want to travel all the way back here? Should I go find a girl, then come back here, then take Isaac out to meet her?” Abraham replied, “No! Not just no, but hell no! Yahweh told me this land here is for my descendants. My son stays here!”

So the slave took a bunch of loot and walked from Canaan back to the city of Nahor in Mesopotamia (about 100 miles). When he got there he prayed to Yahweh saying, “God of Abraham. Make it so the woman you want for Isaac offers to get water for my camels so I can tell who it is.” Isaac’s cousin Rebekah immediately showed up and gave water to the slave and the camels. Fortunately Isaac’s cousin was a virgin and pretty.

The slave then went to talk with Rebekah’s parents and told them about his deal with Yahweh regarding the camels. They were very impressed by the story and immediately sold Rebekah to Abraham’s slave. Then Rebekah gathered up her stuff and she and her personal slaves walked back to Canaan to meet Isaac. They got married the day she arrived and moved into Isaac’s mother’s basement. Wait, I mean tent. They moved into Isaac’s mom’s tent.

Ref: Genesis 24

The ancient Hebrews read the scriptures – Enforcing Jehovah’s desire for ethnic purity

It turns out you can find justification in the bible for any evil act

In the time of the prophet Nehemiah a bunch of the Hebrews got together and someone read the Book of Moses to them. When they got to the part about Balaam’s talking donkey they especially noticed the section that said Ammonites and Moabites should never, ever, under any circumstances be allowed to enter the congregation of God.

You see, after the Israelites left Egypt they were eradicating all the different communities they came across. The Ammonites and Moabites didn’t want to be wiped off the map so they hired a magician to use his magic to help them.  Now, this didn’t work for the Ammonites and Moabites because Jehovah bullied the magician (Balaam) into using his magic to help the Israelites instead. However, irrespective of how things turned out, the Ammonites and Moabites did actively work to preserve their own lives against the evil onslaught of Jehovah’s people. This meant that their decedents could never, not ever worship Jehovah, be part of God’s people, go to Heaven, or any of the like.

The Israelites were always hard-core so once they figured out they needed to do something about ethnic impurity they didn’t just make the offending ethnic groups stand on the bus, go to separate schools, or use the back door to enter businesses. Nope. The Israelites forcibly removed everyone with any Ammonite or Moabite ancestry from their communities. These poor unsuspecting “unworthy” individuals were removed from their homes and cast into the wilderness where they could either die or wander until they found a more accepting culture willing to take them in.

After all, “God is love.”

Ref: Nehemiah 13:1-3

Now King David was old and stricken in years; and they covered him with clothes, but he gat no heat.

Bible stories by Matt often illustrate the magical properties of a virgin woman

When King David got old he had a hard time keeping warm, because we all know how cold it is in the Middle East. His slaves kept piling blankets on him, but he just wouldn’t stop bitching about how cold he was. Of course the obvious solution for any of King David’s problems was to find a young virgin for him. Now pay attention. If you are going to use a woman instead of an electric blanket, she absolutely has to be super hot, and totally have never let a penis inside her vagina. This made everyone in King David’s huge collection of wives ineligible because they were either ugly, or had sex with David or his son Absilon, or both (ref: 2 Samuel 16:21-22).

Once this course of action was decided upon, those faithful to the King went on a huge hot-chick hunt to find a virgin who was attractive enough for the King. Finally they found this girl named Abishag. She was definitely hot enough, and virgin enough to climb under the covers with the king and keep him warm. At this point King David really wanted to be warm, and he knew the magicial warmness exuded by a hot virgin so he managed to refrain from sticking his penis in Abishag (or maybe it was just her name that turned him off).

I always felt bad for Ahishag because I reckon that for an attractive girl in the countryside of Israel in King David’s time to still be a virgin she must have been pre-pubescent because I’m pretty sure families sold off their daughters at menarche. Also, she had to spend all her time under a blanket with wrinkly old King David and breathe in unwashed old person smell all day, ick!

Ref: 1 Kings 1:1-4

Yahweh burns Aaron’s sons – In which we learn Yahweh is a dick

Why is Jesus always going on about wine, if Yahweh thinks it’s bad?

Once upon a time the Hebrew people were wandering through the wilderness of Southwest Asia after leaving Egypt. While they were out there Yahweh told Aaron (Moses’ brother) to kill a calf and a ram and offer them to the Lord. Yahweh also told Aaron to command the people of Israel to kill a baby goat, a calf, a lamb, a bullock, and a ram and offer them to the Lord.

So everyone gathered together in a huge mob with the animals. Aaron killed the animals, collected their blood in big bowls, took out their innards and washed them, and collected the fat. Then Aaron took the hides, bones, and meat and took them outside the camp and burned them. Once that was finished, Aaron sprinkled the blood on an altar and burned it. Then he put all the guts on the altar and burned them. Finally he put the fat on the altar and burned it.

Yahweh was so happy about all the burning stuff he appeared to the people of Israel like a great big ball of glorious light. Then, according to the Bible, fire shot out of him and consumed the offerings on the altar.  While it seems really reasonable that a big ball of fire would appear floating in the air and shoot down a finger of flame to burn stuff I find this passage confusing. The bible says Aaron burned all the stuff, then after Aaron was done burning stuff, Yahweh showed up to burn the stuff. Did Aaron just not do a good job or what?

Now we get to the point of this story: two of Aaron’s sons (Nadab and Abihu) decided to pray to Yahweh later. They remembered from the whole ball of fire trick that Yahweh liked burning stuff, so they took their incense burners, put incense in them, lit it and offered the burning incense to the Lord. Of course Yahweh was furious because these dumb sons of Aaron made a burnt offering without being told. To punish them Yahweh shot out fire from himself to completely destroy Nadab and Abihu. Turns out they were right about Yahweh liking to burn stuff. They were just confused about what He likes to burn.

Then Yahweh told Aaron and his other sons they were not allowed to mourn the deaths of Nadab and Abihu and he told them to not drink wine. You see, people that do magic in the name of Yahweh can’t drink wine so they will always be able to tell the difference between clean and unclean (here’s lookin’ at you Jesus, ya damn drunk).

Ref: Leviticus 9-10

Jesus + water = wine: keeping your priorities straight

This makes me wonder if Jesus + turd = gold nugget

Jesus’ mother Mary was on the Volunteer Special Event Planning Committee of her local congregation, so when one of the young women of the congregation got married Mary ended up doing a big chunk of the planning. Now, you need to understand that when God was rolling Mary’s character he rolled an eight in intelligence, a five in wisdom, and a charisma of 20. This meant Mary could make a really poor decisions like those that led to her getting knocked up by the toothless assistant swine-herd AFTER she was engaged to Joseph, but have the charisma to claim she was still a virgin and pull it off.

This also meant that she only ordered about 1/5^th of the wine a wedding party normally uses. Once the wine ran out she ran off to find Jesus and said, “Jesus, they ran out of wine at the party. Fix it; pretty please?” Jesus didn’t like being used like a convenience store so he said, “Listen Woman. I have nothing to do with you. Besides, I don’t want to start doing public magic yet!”

Mary had known Jesus for a long time so she was used to his disrespectful language and reluctance to help out, but she also knew he would always succumb to social pressure so she said, “Oh, ok. I guess I’ll just go tell everyone that Jesus decided they don’t need any more wine.” Then she whispered to the slaves helping with the party, “Ok, now just do whatever he tells you, even if it seems crazy.”

Jesus knew he was trapped now, so he said, “Fine!” folded his arms, stomped his left food on the ground, pouted just a little, and then called over the slaves. He told them to fill the waterpots with water and take them to the Wedding Planner (WP). Then the WP tasted the water, which was now wine, and called over the groom for a little chat. The WP slapped the groom on the back of the head and said, “Hey, what gives man? I told you yesterday you’re supposed to serve the good wine FIRST, then after everyone is drunk you serve the crappy stuff. You’ve done the exact opposite here, saving the best stuff ‘till now!”

Moral: when Jesus makes wine, He makes really good wine.

Ref: John 2:1-10

Isaiah and Women – DON’T TAKE SMALL STEPS!

Here is yet another biblical foundation for misogyny

One day when Jehovah was ranting about the state of the world to his prophet Isaiah he got onto the topic of women. He went on for nine verses, an unusually long time for Jehovah to stay on the same topic while speaking. He said:

The Jewish women stand up straight and walk taking small steps. This is Intolerable!  Because they do this I will make huge scabs grow on top of their heads and I will expose their private parts!

I will take away their ankle bracelets, hair nets, and earrings. I won’t stop there either. I will take all their jewelry and fancy clothes. Fuck it; I’ll just take all their clothes.

I will make them stink, I’ll make their hair fall out, make them wear burlap rags, and burn them with the mark of slavery! That should teach them!

Moral: If you are a woman and are considering good posture or taking small steps, watch out! You REALLY don’t want Jehovah to catch you taking small steps.

Ref: Isaiah 3:16-26

Jezebel is Eaten by Dogs – Yahweh especially didn’t like Jezebel

If the God can kill people he doesn’t like and feed them to dogs, why do his supposed followers object to such behavior?

You may remember that Queen Jezebel tricked the people of Israel into killing an innocent man so her husband, King Ahab, could take the guy’s land. Then Ahab felt bad and talked nice to Yahweh so Yahweh decided to kill Ahab’s kids instead of Ahab. That stuff is important for this story: honest.

After Ahab died in battle, Yahweh’s prophet Elisha gave one of the sons of the prophets (think of an altar boy) a special mission. This boy went to visit Jehu, poured a box of oil out over his head and said, “Yahweh says you are the king now and He wants you to kill all of Ahab’s kids and his wife Jezebel. Then dogs are going to eat Jezebel.” Then this terrified kid that had just poured oil all over the new king, turned and ran back home.

Jehu was a good man who always did what Yahweh wanted so he headed right out and killed Ahab’s sons. Then he went to visit Jezebel. When he got to the city where she was staying he saw her looking out through a window in the city wall so he called up, “Who here is on my side? Who will help me do the will of Yahweh?” A couple of eunuchs heard him and pitched Jezebel out the window. When she hit the rocky ground blood splattered all over the city wall and Jehu’s riding party (no, I’m not making this up). Then Jehu’s party rode their horses over Jezebel’s body, trampling her, to get into the city.



Jezebel gets pushed out the window

Now, Jehu’s mama done learned him right, so he knew his manners real good. After he finished eating dinner that night he sent some people outside to bury Jezebel. After all, as Jehu pointed out, she was the daughter of a King. However, when the servants got out there to bury Jezebel all they found was her skull, her feet, and the palms of her hands. You know; the parts that dogs don’t like to eat.

When the servants reported back to Jehu he said, “Oh yeah. That’s right. I’d almost forgotten. Yahweh did have a prophet tell me that Jezebel was going to be eaten by dogs. Praise be to Yahweh!”

Note: I always thought it was weird that the dogs would eat the fingers and the other bones, but not the palm. Isn’t the palm of a woman’s hand easier to eat or drag away than her femur?

Ref: 2 Kings 9

The Númenóreans and the Tower of Babel – Proof that Tolkien is better than the nameless hack that wrote the bible

Not all fiction is equal

For those who are weak in Tolkien lore I have prepared this brief summary of the history of Númenor.

Once there was this half-elven guy named Eärendil who was a great hero of Middle Earth. He was so awesome that Manwë, king of the Valar (demi-gods of Middle Earth) said he and his part elven children could decide if they wanted to be elvish or manish. One of his sons, Elrond (you you may remember from The Lord of the Rings), decided to be elvish and his other son, Elros, decided to be manish. Because of his elvish heritage and his awesome dad, he became a special kind of man that lives 300 years. He became the first king of Númenor and his descendents were the Númenóreans, who all live to be 300 years old.

Númenor was this huge island to the West of Middle Earth and after many hundreds of years they became a super powerful kingdom. They also became a super bad kingdom. They decided that not living forever like the elves sucked so they decided to invade the Undying Lands and seize them from the Valar (demi-gods). Then they would be able to live forever. As soon as they landed on the Undying Lands there was this huge cataclysm that completely obliterated the invading fleet and the Undying Lands were removed from the world.

Not all the Númenóreans were bad though. Most of the good ones escaped before this failed invasion and ended up in Middle Earth. Aragorn, who I hope you remember from the films, is one of their descendents. I always thought it was funny he ended up married to Elrond’s daughter Arwen, because she is his first cousin like 30 times removed.

Summary of summary: Númenóreans were cooler than normal people. They got tired of dying so they decided to invade “heaven.” The gods didn’t like that so they killed the invaders. Also: Aragorn’s relationship with Arwen is naughty.

Now let’s look at the biblical account:

Genesis 11:4 (KJV) And they said, Go to, let us build us a city and a tower, whose top may reach unto heaven; and let us make us a name, lest we be scattered abroad upon the face of the whole earth.

Many contemporary writers claim this passage means the people were making the city and the tall tower to keep all the people in one place, rather than scattering across the earth according to Yahweh’s plan.


This explanation doesn’t work for me because I’m convinced a good portion of the Old Testament was ripped off from Tolkien’s writings, as is the bulk of contemporary fantasy (to be fair, Tolkien ripped off a lot of his stuff from other sources too, like Beowulf). I think the humans were tired of God having all the fun so they decided to invade heaven where they could be like gods and live forever. My reading of the Old Testament reinforces this idea. There is never any indication that people go to heaven after they die. There is no eternal reward or punishment mentioned in Genesis. All punishments and rewards from Yahweh are immediate and temporal in nature.

The people in Babel had no idea they had “eternal spirits.” That concept didn’t show up for another few thousand years. It makes sense therefore that they thought the only way to live forever was to actually build a tower to get to heaven.



Tower to Heaven



One day Yahweh wandered down from heaven to visit the people of Earth and while he was there he noticed the city and tower. This kinda freaked him out and he said, “Holy crap! It looks like if all the people live in the same place and speak the same language they can accomplish anything they put their minds to! They might even find a way to take heaven away from me, or live forever, or make an iPad!”

This simply wouldn’t do, so Yahweh confounded their language so they couldn’t talk to each other and scattered them across the planet. Then just to dick with us, he took all the color from the skin and hair of the people he stuck in Europe and gave it to these in Africa. Then he gave the Asians thick eyelids so the white people would make fun of them for having “squinty eyes.”

Biblical summary: Babelians were cooler than normal people. They got tired of dying so they decided to invade “heaven.” Yahweh didn’t like that so he/she/it scattered the invaders and messed with their language. Also: Yahweh gave Asians thick eyelids.

Ref: Genesis 11:1-9

Paul and headscarves – working tireless to save us from God

I once read a theory that the Neanderthals were Nephilim because they no longer exist and they were bigger than the Homo Sapiens.

When the artist formerly known as Saul (Paul) was writing to the saints living in Corinth he gave one of his most important instructions. He said to make sure the women keep their heads covered because of the angels. You see, he knew all about the sordid past between God’s angels and the daughters of men.

Back before the flood women used to run around with their heads uncovered, and the angels were able to see how beautiful they were. Many of these angels chose to fall from heaven and live among these women. They had sex with them and made great big babies. In fact, I suspect the artist formerly known as Saul may have been on the writing staff for the 1998 movie City of Angels. In this film we learn Nicholas Cage was working as an Angel for Jehovah when he noticed Meg Ryan. Meg didn’t follow the instruction from the artist formerly known as Saul to keep her head covered and Nick fell from heaven to be able to partake of her hotness. Luckily for us, Meg Ryan died before they could make a baby.

It’s the babies that are the problem. They are known as the Nephilim: fallen ones of both heaven and earth. They are big, strong, and mean. In Noah’s time there got to be so many Nephilim that Jehovah couldn’t think of any way to get rid of them other than flooding the Earth, so God had Noah build an arc and you know the rest (if not, Google Noah and the Arc).

So any time you think it’s old fashioned to keep your women covered, or a violation of their rights; remember what the artist formerly known as Saul taught us. If angels can see the women’s faces, they will fall from heaven to make babies with them and Jehovah will be forced to flood the earth again to kill all the Nephilim.

And I say these things in the name of cheese and rice, amen!

Ref: 1 Corinthians 10:11 and Genesis 6:2-4

Samuel and the Witch of Endor – Who needs a living prophet if you have a witch who can talk to dead ones?

I think the papal conclave should use a witch to decide who gets to be the next pope. It seems to deliver pretty good results.

After the prophet Samuel died King Saul was unable to get any instruction from Jehovah. He tried other prophets, dreaming, praying, and the Urim and Thummim but nothing worked. He had a big battle with the Philistines coming up and he really wanted some sort of magical guidance so he asked one of his servants to find a witch he could ask. The servant said, “I’m not sure there are any, I mean you had all the witches and wizards kicked out of your kingdom some time ago. I’ll do some asking around and get back to you though.”

After a little research the servant returned and said, “Ok, it turns out there is a witch of Endor that may be able to help.” This didn’t sound right to King Saul who asked, “Endor, really? You mean the inhabitable forest moon of Endor where the Ewoks live? Where Han and Leah finally accept their love for each other? And just how do you propose we get there?”

The servant answered, “No sir. You misunderstand. Endor is ALSO the name of a village in Canaan. The Witch of Endor lives in that village, not in a galaxy far, far away.” After about a minute Saul’s brain was able to sort through these conflicting ideas and he said, “Oh, OK. I guess I’ve watched Return of the Jedi too many times. I mean, that was my favorite Star Wars movie. The forest scenes were great. The final space battle where the second death star was destroyed was cinematically spectacular and I really liked how the theme of Anakin Skywalker’s redemption emerged toward the end. I mean, I’ve always been a huge fan of death-bed repentance.


Scene from Return of the Jedi

So King Saul put on a disguise and went to visit the Witch of Endor. When he asked her to call up the Samuel’s spirit so they could chat the witch was skeptical at first. She said, “Now you know the King kicked out all the witches and wizards, right? What are you trying to do, get me killed?” So Saul swore that as long as Jehovah was alive, the witch would not be punished for working magic.

The witch was convinced so she called up Samuel, but as soon as he appeared the witch kinda freaked out a little bit and said, “Oh hell no! YOU are Saul? You’re the king that’s been trying so hard to put me in an unemployment line? Why have you deceived me, and where do you get off; coming to ask ME for help after the evil you’ve done to witches and wizards everywhere?”


Saul and the Witch of Endor by Salvator Rosa 1668
© RMN, Musée du Louvre / Daniel Arnaudet

 Saul still wanted answers so he said, “Be not afraid. Just tell me what you see.” The woman said unto Saul, “An old man cometh up; and he is covered with a mantle.” This description was plenty good enough for Saul who then bowed down before the apparition.

The magic vision of Samuel then spoke to Saul; saying, “Why have you disturbed my slumber, hmmmm?” Saul explained that he couldn’t get any feedback from Jehovah about the upcoming battle. Then Samuel said, “That’s because God doesn’t like you anymore. He wants David to be King now so he is going to make your armies lose tomorrow and you will die. Then all your sons will die too just so there’s no trouble with the succession later.”

Saul was really upset so he had to lie down for a while. Then the witch fed him and sent him on his way.

Moral: if Jehovah doesn’t like you, getting help from a witch isn’t going to do you much good.

Ref: 1 Samuel 28

Jesus and the Adulteress - A novel approach to problem solving

"I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way."

So one morning Jesus wandered down to the temple to do some teaching. After he’d been there a while a group of religious types brought a woman to see him. They said, “This skank was totally screwing some guy she wasn’t married to and we caught her in the act. As you should know Moses told us that Jehovah commands we stone her. What do you think?”

Jesus said, “What, really? So how long did you watch before you grabbed her? Did you at least let her lover finish? I mean seriously. Did you just happen to walk in on them doing it, or did someone tell you there was a free show in Jeshue’s house? Anyway, you losers aren’t worth my time so I’m just gonna ignore you now and draw pictures of hoo-haws in the dirt.”

After an uncomfortable silence one of the religious guys said, “Look, I get you have a LOT on your mind but I really am going to need some kind of answer from you on this.” So Jesus finally looked up and said, “Look, I know you guys were enjoying the show and I’m pretty sure you’ve heard me say stuff like, ‘He who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery in his heart’ so go ahead. Whoever here has no sin, let him throw the first stone.” Then Jesus went back to drawing his dirty pictures.

Well, the pervy old guys felt pretty bad about desperately wishing it was them screwing the adulteress instead of Jeshue, so they slowly started to leave until only Jesus and the woman were left at the temple. When Jesus finished his drawing he looked up and said, “Woman, where are you accusers?” The woman answered, “They all took off, leaving me here with you all alone, and I am so grateful that you stopped them from throwing rocks at me until I died.”

Jesus then said, “Sweet deal. Just remember to be careful to not get caught next time."

Ref: John 8:1-11

Reference for drawing female genitalia in the dirt: http://www.luciferianliberationfront.org/sf.html

Naboth is killed – Always sell your vineyard when the king asks

This is my very first original Limerick. The metering seems off in the fifth line but I’m not able to get it right.

Naboth was a Jezreelite diehard
Whose father had left him a vinyard
The king wanted it
And thought it was fit
To kill poor Naboth without regard

Naboth had this vineyard see. It had been in his family for generations and it was all he got from his father when he died. Ahab the king of Israel was his next door neighbor and wanted the vineyard so he would have a place for an herb garden. Ahab went to have a chat with Naboth about the situation. Ahab was even really reasonable and offered to either give Naboth a better vineyard or pay its value in cash.

This didn’t work for Naboth who said, “Sorry, I can’t do it. Jehovah won’t let me sell my ancestral vineyard.” Poor Ahab was really sad he couldn’t get the land to grow herbs so he went home, lay on his bed and refused to eat. His wife Jezebel was concerned and asked him what was wrong. When Ahab explained the situation Jezebel launched into a tirade. She said, “What the hell man? Seriously? You are the mother-fucking king of Israel. If you want a god-damn vineyard you had damn well better get it! Now don’t you worry about a thing. I will personally make sure you get that land.”

So Jezebel sent letters to all the rich people in town telling them the king wanted them to have a big party and place Naboth in the seat on honor. Then, on the day of the party she bribed to men to publically accuse Naboth of blasphemy against God and the king. Because the Israelites were hardcore they immediately dragged Naboth outside of the city and threw rocks at him until he died. When Jezebel told Ahab that Naboth was dead, Ahab got super excited and ran right over to the vineyard to take possession of it.

Now everything was fine and dandy. That is, until Jehovah told his prophet Elijah about the situation. Elijah didn’t think it was cool to have someone killed under false pretenses so you can plant an herb garden. He told Ahab and Jezebel they were definitely going to have to die. In fact, God was going to make sure that when Ahab died dogs would lick up his blood and Jezebel would be eaten by dogs.

Apparently this sounded really bad so Ahab ripped his clothes and prayed and fasted a whole bunch. Jehovah was so excited about the attention he was getting from Ahab he decided that he wouldn’t cause any trouble for Ahab and Jezebel while they were alive. Instead he would punish their children.

Moral: don’t kill people to get their stuff or Jehovah will punish your children after you die.

Ref: 1 Kings 21