God Explains Himself – Why God Tests his People to See if they will worship false gods

Yes, that’s right. God tests you and commits mass murder you if you fail

Deuteronomy Chapter 13 is a very good chapter. It explains a great deal about how God thinks. You see, God is really insecure and really wants people to like him. He doesn’t like fakers though. He hates them. He likes to kill them and their friends.

Jehovah occasionally gives dreamers and false prophets good information. He does this specifically so people will hear these predictions and see them come true. The idea is that people tend to think if a prophet gives good, true, reliable information that prophet must also be right about which god you should worship. However, if you are successfully tricked by Jehovah into following a different god it means you don’t really love Jehovah. This makes Jehovah very, very angry.

When this happens Jehovah says everyone must kill you and kill the false prophet that Jehovah tricked into tricking you. If anyone says something like, “Hey this non-Jehovah prophet made some predictions that came true so his god must be the right one, let’s worship that god now instead of Jehovah,” that person must die. Also any city that produces one of Jehovah’s secret agent false prophets must be completely eradicated. Not just the buildings or the men mind you. All the men, women, children, cattle, and pets must die.

Remember to never fall victim to Jehovah’s trickery or He will not only kill you, but countless other people as well.

You have been warned . . .

Ref: Deuteronomy 13

The Pentecost – Speaking in Tongues -> baptism

Any time someone tells you that you’re drinking too much, just tell them you’re clearly not drunk. It’s still too early in the day.

A couple of months after Jesus was executed a large group of his followers gathered together for a “mind expanding” experience. Once they got themselves whipped up into a feverish state they started talking all crazy. Because this little gathering was in the middle of the city, in the middle of the day; a crowd of curious onlookers started to gather. It didn’t take long before some numb-nut in the croud shouted out, “Hey look at Jesus’ followers! Their ‘Holy Spirit’ must be making them do that!” Another said, “Yeah, It’s crazy. I can kinda understand what they’re saying though, and I’m from Crete!” “That’s nuts,” said the first, “I’m from Libya and I can understand them too. I think they’re talking about that Jesus guy again!” In fact, this went on for a while with several different nationalities claiming they could understand the garbled speech. 

Finally someone had the guts to call out, “You’re all crazy. These men are clearly drunk! You know Jesus was always making wine from water at parties. I even heard he told his people to drink wine so they could remember him better. I’m sure they’re just performing some sort of wine-fueled religious ceremony.”

When the apostle Peter heard this he decided it was time to get involved in the conversation. He said, “Hey, it’s still way too early in the day for us to be drunk! We’re very clearly being influenced by the holy spirit of God. If you don’t believe me read the scriptures. The prophet Joel said, ‘In the last days God will make people have weird dreams and act crazy.’ Our actions are a warning from God that the world is going to end soon. Hurray and become baptized members of the Church of Jesus so you can go to heaven. Act fast before the world ends and it’s too late.”

Well, this got the attention of the crowd. If people were acting crazy and the world was about to end, they had better get baptized. So 3,000 people got baptized that day, sold all their stuff, and started living in religious communes. Better safe than sorry you know.

Ref: Acts 2

Naaman is healed by Elisha – Musical Leprosy - Part 2

You better watch out. You better not cry. Better not pout, I’m telling you why. Leprosy is coming to town.

On the way back home, one of Naaman’s servants got to thinking and said to Naaman, “You know, if this Elisha guy had told you to do some fantastic thing like gather 200 Philistine foreskins or build an arc you totally would have done it. Maybe you should just try the trick with the river to see if it works.” So Naaman went to the Jordan and dipped himself seven times. After the seventh time, he came out with perfect skin – completely free from disease.

Naaman was thrilled to be healed so he rushed back to Elisha’s house and tried to give Elisha all the loot. Elisha wouldn’t take it though, so Naaman left promising that from that day forward the only god he would worship would be the Hebrew god.

Gehazi, Elisha’s servant heard all this and ran after Naaman as fast as he could. Once he caught up he said, “Hey, Elisha sent me. We have a couple of visitors coming. Elisha wants you to give me a talent of silver and two sets of clothes for these visitors. Naaman was thrilled to be able to give something to Elisha so he gave Gehazi TWO talents of silver and the clothing. He even let Gehazi borrow a couple of servants to carry the loot.

After Gehazi had the stuff safely hidden in the house Elisha tracked him down for a little chat. Elisha has NOT pleased that Gehazi ran off to get some money from Naaman and he said, “You stupid little shit. This is not time to try to get rich. Because you did this, you are the new owner of Naaman’s leprosy.

Gehazi immediately because leprous “as white as snow.”

Moral: God’s servants are really good at telling bacterial infections what to do.

Ref: 2 Kings 5:12-26

Naaman is healed by Elisha – Musical Leprosy - Part 1

You better watch out. You better not cry. Better not pout, I’m telling you why. Leprosy is coming to town.

Back when Elisha was the most famous living prophet of Jehovah, the leader of Syria’s armies was this guy named Naaman. He was so awesome that Jehovah let him keep Syria from being wiped out by the Israelites. The only problem was that he was a leper. Fortunately for him, his soldiers would regularly run raids into Israel to catch Hebrews they could use as slaves. One such slave, a young Hebrew girl, ended up belonging to Naaman’s wife. The reason this is fortunate for Naaman is one day the poor little Hebrew girl said to her owner, "I really wish your husband could visit the Hebrew prophet. I just know our prophet would heal your husband.”

Understandably Naaman’s wife wasn’t too thrilled with the whole leprous husband thing, so it didn’t take long before she figured out a way to get this information to the King of Syria. The King was fond of his military leader so he gave Naaman ten talents of silver, six thousand pieces of gold, and ten sets of clothing for payment and sent him to visit the Hebrew king.

When Naaman explained why he’d come to visit, the King freaked out, tore his clothes, and started to cry. He said, “What gives? I’m not God. I can’t give or take leprosy. The King of Syria must be looking for a reason to start another war.” In another stroke of luck, Elisha heard about the king’s little fit and sent the king a message that Naaman should be sent to him so he could be taught that God had a prophet in Israel.

When Naaman showed up at Elisha’s place, Elisha sent out a servant to tell Naaman he just needed to wash in the Jordan River seven times and he would be healed.

This was all so incredibly absurd that Naaman got all kinds of upset and said, “What gives? I came all the way down here and this bastard won’t even come outside to greet me? I totally thought he would just come outside, call upon God, lay his hands on me, I would be healed, and I could leave all this damn money I’ve been hauling around. This is total bullshit. I’m out of here!”

To be continued in Part 2. What will happen to Naaman? Stay tuned for the next update.

Ref: 2 Kings 5:1-11

Phinehas Kills the Adulterers – How killing people stops God from killing other people

Holy crap, could Jehovah be any more of a prick?

After Moses led the Israelites out of Egypt but before they made it to the “promised land” they had a lot of contact with different groups of people. When they were in Shittim (no, I did not make up that name) they started to do some really crazy stuff like have sex with the local women, eat their food, and worship their gods.

As you might expect, Jehovah was not pleased. He told Moses to take the heads off his people and hang them in the sun so He wouldn’t be mad anymore. Since this made perfect sense to Moses, he gave the order that every man who participated in the worship of local gods should be executed. Just the men though. You have to be careful to always kill more men than women so polygamy works out better.

After the whole worshiping the wrong gods thing was sorted through the use of capital punishment, things managed to get even crazier. This Hebrew guy named Zimri had the audacity to hook up with a Midianitish woman named Cozbi (remember that Moses’ wife was from Midian, damn hippocrate) and actually bring her around so the other Hebrews could see that a Hebrew man and Midianitish women were together and not ashamed of it. Well, this level of audacity got Jehovah so worked up that he started killing random Israelites using disease (one of God’s favorite toys).

Fortunately for the Lord’s people, a discerning gentleman named Phinehas worked out that Zimri’s relationship with Cozbi was the cause for the plague. Phinehas grabbed a Javelin, walked into their tent, and killed both of them, making sure he stabbed Cozbi through the stomach just in case she was pregnant. Of course this stopped God from killing random bystanders, but not before 24,000 of them died.  --  I learned in church the reason Zimri and Cozbi had to die to stop the plague was because they were committing adultery. It turns out that was about 2,000% bullshit. Nowhere in the biblical account is adultery mentioned. They totally had to die because Cozbi was from a different cultural background: God is such a racist bastard.  --

After God called off his bacteria that had been killing the Israelites he had a little chat with Moses: “Well, you’re sure lucky that Phinehas killed Zimri and Cozbi; otherwise I was going to completely wipe out the Hebrew race. Now you’re going to have to make war against the Midianites and wipe them off the face of the earth because it’s totally their fault I had to kill so many of my people using plague.”

When I read these stories, I can’t help but think it’s usually much better to not be part of God’s chosen people. It seems the more attention God gives you, the greater his need to fuck with you.

Ref: Numbers 25

Jesus and Crumbs for Dogs – The right woman can convince Jesus to do just about anything

Yeah, that’s right.

One day Jesus was going through his list of recommended songs on iTunes and came across “California Gurls” by Katy Perry. He decided to give it a listen and was intrigued by the lines, “California girls, we’re unforgettable; daisy dukes, bikinis on top. Sun-kissed skin, so hot we’ll melt your Popsicle.” He was particularly interested in seeing what it would be like to have someone melt his Popsicle; so he bailed out of his normal ‘hood and headed out to the West Coast (the closest thing he could find to California).

When he got to the beach, this unnamed Gentile woman (we’ll call her Candy) ran up to him and said, “Have mercy on me, Lord, Son of David; my daughter is cruelly demon-possessed.” The thing is, Jesus was still looking around for anything like he’d seen in the “California Gurls” music video and couldn’t be bothered to answer Candy. This went on for a little while until Jesus’ “Gentlemen Friends” felt compelled to intercede. They said to Jesus, “Please will you just send Candy away? She keeps shouting at us and we don’t like it.”

This got Jesus’ attention and he said, “Whoa, on just a minute. I can’t go helping just anyone. It doesn’t matter if Candy really needs help AND I can help her. The only thing that matters (besides learning more about this Popsicle thing) is that I only help Israelites. It’s what my father wants. You know, the whole covenant of Abraham thing? Duh!”

When Candy heard this last little bit she threw herself on the ground in front of Jesus and said, “Lord, help me!” By now Jesus had figured out he wasn’t going to have any luck with his Popsicle quest until he could get Candy to move on so he said to her, “Are you nuts? Listen woman, it just wouldn’t be proper to take bread from little kids and throw it to the dogs. Hmm . . . I don’t know how good you Gentiles are at understanding parables so I’ll explain: Hebrews are the chosen people of God. They are represented by the children in the parable. Gentiles are basically worthless so they are the dogs. Get it? I’m not giving you the children’s bread.”

Candy wasn’t about to give up just yet. The Gentiles didn’t have national health care and she didn’t get benefits from her job waiting tables at the strip club, so she knew the only way to help her daughter was get this Hebrew jackass to work his magic. So, she knelt up, leaned forward so Jesus could fully appreciate her cleavage and said in her sexiest voice, “Yes, Lord; but even the dogs feed on the crumbs which fall from their masters' table.”

Jesus thought about this for a minute and then realized people were starting to notice he was staring down Candy’s shirt. He looked up and said, “Oh, um, ok. Um, because your uh, faith, yes faith, is very strong your daughter is now healed. Yeah, your faith did it. Got to go. Bye.”

And Candy’s daughter was healed in that very hour.

Ref: Matthew 15:21-28

Ruth – Biblical Hottie - Part 2

Still a sucker for a good country-western romance

So Boaz calls out to Ruth saying, “Heya sexy, don’t go gleaning on no other fields, ya hear? You watch my workers do their havestin’ then you follow after so you can get some good gleaning done! Don’t go worryin’ neither. I done told my boys to not go botherin’ ya. Also, ya should prolly just work with my handmaids from now on.”

After Boaz had his little chat with Ruth he told his workers to make sure they left a few handfuls of grain between the rows so Ruth could glean them. When Ruth got home that night with all that grain Naomi knew something was up and asked Ruth where she’d been working. When Naomi learned Ruth had been gleaning Boaz’s fields she got super excited and said, “Praise the Lord! That man is a really close relation. You make sure you never glean nowhere else, ya hear?”

After a couple of months, Naomi called Ruth in and told her, “Now listen girl, I done heard that Boaz is gonna be workin’ hard all day today in the barn so he’s gonna fall asleep in there. You go in after he’s asleep, uncover his feet and lay down on them.” So Ruth does this, and when Boaz wakes up he sees her laying on his feet and asks, “Um, who are you?” Ruth answered, “I’m Ruth, your handmaid. Please marry me because I’m also your relative.” Boaz said that would be alright (besides, he'd been hot for cousin-in-law since the tractor/song incident), but there was someone in the city that was more closely related, so he would have to make sure this other guy didn’t want to marry Ruth. Then he gave her six measures of barley and sent her on home.

That same day Boaz went out and found the closer relative and grabbed 10 elders of the city for a little sit-down. He told the relative that Naomi was back in town and she needed to sell her dead husband’s land. At first the relative was interested but then Boaz explained that Ruth would have to be part of the deal. Mr. Relative freaked out just a little and said, “Hey, no way man! I’m not buyin’ her. She’s used material. I’ve never even had sex and I want my first time to be with a virgin!”

So Boaz stood up and made a little speech: “Hey y’all. Pay attention! Today I’m buying all of Elimelech’s old stuff, and all his son’s old stuff. This includes Ruth. I’m buying her too so I can marry her.” So Ruth and Boaz got married and in short order Ruth had a son and turned him over to Naomi to care for. The neighbor women were super excited to see Naomi raising a baby and they named him Obed. Obed later turned out to be King David’s grandfather.

And they all lived happily ever after. You know, like you do if you buy your dead cousin's widow and make babies with her who are then brought up by your dead cousin’s mother.

Ref: Ruth 2-4

Ruth – Biblical Hottie - Part 1

I’m a sucker for a good country-western romance

Once upon a time Naomi moved to Moab with her husband Elimelech and their sons because there wasn’t enough to eat in their home town of Bethlehem. Elimelech died and the sons got married while living in Moab so Naomi picked up two daughter-in-laws: Orpah (not Oprah) and Ruth. Well, apparently Moab sucks because Naomi’s sons died too (probably West Nile or Hantavirus). Then Naomi called in her daughter-in-laws and said, “I done heard that God had the grace to bless the folks in Bethlehem with bread again, so I’m headin’ back thata way. Y’all need to get back to yer mama’s houses. I can’t go takin’ care of y’all anymore.”

Orpha was a good little girl and headed back to live with her parents, but Ruth said, “I won’t be havin’ none of that. I’m goin’ with you.” Naomi thought that was crazy and said, “What? You be crazy girl? I ain’t gonna have no more sons for you to marry, and even if I did, you really gonna wait around ‘till they’re old nuff for ya?” Ruth said she didn’t care about that. She was going with Naomi no matter what. Naomi relented and they moved to Bethlehem together.

Now, back in the olden days poor people could go to a field after it had been harvested and try to find any grain that the workers had missed (this is called gleaning). As luck would have it, Ruth unintentionally ended up gleaning the fields of some guy named Boaz. This is significant because Boaz was a relative of her deceased father-in-law.

Boaz was out driving his tractor along the corn rows that day and saw Ruth working in the field wearing her daisy dukes and a red flannel shirt. The Lyrics from John Michael Mongomery’s hit “Sold” (The Grundy County Auction Incident) slammed into his head like a ton of hay and he knew that he had “never seen anyone lookin’ so fine. Man I gotta have her, she’s a one of a kind. I’m goin’ once, goin’ twice. I’m sold! on the lady in the second row. She’s an eight, she’s a nine, she’s a ten, I know. She’s got ruby red lips, blonde hair, blue eyes. An I’m about to bid my heart good-bye!”

To be continued in Part 2 of this exciting epic . . .

Ref: Ruth 1 and Ruth 2:1-3

Ahab and His Dogs – It’s important to have canine friends

If it was important enough to write, it should be important enough to learn about

By the end of the First Book of Kings the king of Israel was named Ahab. At that time their most favored enemy was Syria. One day when the Leader of the tribe of Judah (Jehoshaphat) came to visit King Ahab, they got to talking about Ramoth. Ramoth was a region that used to be under Israeli control, but was currently occupied by Syria. Ahab decided it was time to take back Ramoth and Jehoshaphat was happy to help out, he just wanted Ahab to ask Jehovah first.

Ahab gathered together his personal cadre of prophets together, about 400 men, and asked them how things were going to turn out if they invaded Syria. The prophets gave him the green light, guaranteeing him that Jehovah would help Israel win. Jehoshaphat wasn’t sure 400 prophets were enough so he asked if there were any more. Turn out there was this one guy named Micaiah, but Ahab didn’t like him because he didn’t have very nice things to say about Ahab.

So they send for Micaiah who agrees to make a prediction, but he was only going to say what Jehovah told him to. Ahab agreed and Micaiah said, “Go ahead and invade Ramoth. God will make sure you win.” Ahab was a pretty smart guy and he replied, “Bullshit man! How many times have I told you to tell me the truth?” So Micaiah comes clean and tells Ahab that he is definitely going to die. In fact, Micaiah went on for a bit about how God was tricking Ahab into attacking Ramoth so he would die. He said, “Ok, here’s the deal. I saw Jehovah sitting on his throne in Heaven and he asked the host of heaven who was going to help him trick you into attacking Ramoth. Then I saw this one super fancy angel walk up to God and say, ‘Yeah, I got ya. I’ll go be a lying spirit for Ahab’s prophets to make sure they trick him.’ “

One of Ahab’s prophets heard this and walked over to Micaiah and pimp-slapped him saying, “What the Hell man? Where the hell do you get off? You are so full of shit man. You better watch your back. I’m just saying.” Ahab sided with pimp-slapping prophet and had Micaiah thrown into prison.

Just to be safe though, Ahab disguised himself and had Jehoshaphat dress up in his clothes for the battle. During the battle the Syrian forces went straight for the guy in the King’s clothes, but when Jehoshaphat started screaming hysterically and ran away they figured out they had been duped. Not that it did much good though. You see, some random guy shot a random arrow that randomly hit Ahab. Like I mentioned earlier, Ahab was pretty smart so he noticed that he’d been hit by an arrow and said to his chariot driver, “Turn thy hand, and carry me out of the host; for I am wounded.”

It didn’t take Ahab very long to die after getting hit by the arrow. In that time though he managed to make a huge mess of the chariot, bleedin’ all over the place like it was goin’ out of style. Fortunately Ahab had a lot of dogs and they were able to lick the chariot clean.

Now just remember that if God wants you dead, it’s pretty easy for Him to deceive a whole bunch of prophets into thinking He doesn’t want you dead, then make some random arrow hit you.

Ref: 1 Kings 22:1-39