Adam and Lilith – A new year, a new start

I think stories about the beginnings of our world are well-suited for the beginning of a new year

Here’s the deal: The biblical account is a bit sterile and self-conflicting when discussion the origin of the first man and woman. To make this post interesting I’m going to have to draw on some really old Jewish Folklore. Genesis 1:27 states that Elohim made man and woman in his own image on the sixth day of creation. Then later, in Genesis 2:21 we learn that AFTER Adam named all the animals (which I presume took quite some time), Elohim took a rib from Adam’s chest to make Eve.

This is a pretty serious disconnect. You should be wondering now what happened to the woman Elohim made at the same time Adam was formed. Since you probably weren’t alive in the Middle Ages when this was a common belief, I’ll tell you.


"Lilith" by John Collier, 1892


When Elohim made Adam from the dust he also made the woman Lilith. Things would have been OK except Adam wanted to be the guy in charge, ruling over Lilith. Lilith was a feminist and would have nothing to do with that. Lilith claimed she and Adam were equal because they were formed from the same dust. Naturally they quarreled. Eventually Lilith got so sick of dealing with Adam that she ran away from the Garden. While she was wandering the desolate world she ran into the archangel Samael with whom she developed a sexual relationship. She was satisfied by Samael so when Elohim sent three angels to force her to return to Adam she refused and said from that time forward she would weaken and kill babies as revenge for how poorly Adam treated her.

The angels were able to overpower Lilith and she was forced to promise that any mother who hung an amulet over their baby with the names of the three angels would be safe from her rage. These are known as Lilith Amulets and were used to prevent Sudden Infant Death Syndrom (SIDS).

Today Lilith lives in a cave with all the demons she spawned from her relationship with Samael (who is now known as the angel of death). She causes wet dreams and when a vain young woman spends too much time posing in front of a mirror Lilith is able to slip through the mirror and take possession of that girl so she can stir her desires. This causes the young woman to become really slutty and have sex with the young men who live in her neighborhood.

Some people claim that it was Lilith who convinced Eve to partake of the forbidden fruit as an act of revenge, but that just seems crazy.



ADDENDUM

I shared this post with my friend Sinn Solace and he had this to say:

My favorite part of the Lilith lore is that she seems pretty reasonable, smart, and independent until she leaves the garden. Its only when you get the male angels coming back to tell everyone what Lilith is up to that you get the real crazy stuff.

ADAM: So guys, how's my ex? Did she say anything about me? Is she still shackin' up with that Sam dude? Is his loincloth cooler than mine?

ANGEL: Man, she is a total bitch. I was like, "Hey you need to shut up and get back to yer man" and she was all like "Dude, I have a family and a house and a mortgage and I'm so over Adam and his bullshit"

ADAM: No way, she didn't say that.

ANGEL: Totes did. I told her her new boyfriend is like, a total jackass and is like 500 feet tall with scary laser eyes but she just blew me off. Women. I'll bet she's pms'ing. That's a thing right? Or are we not fallen yet? Fuck, whatever. I'll bet she eats babies.

ADAM: Fer real, yo. What a crazy skank. Forget her.

Hallelujah – Another Great Bible-Inspired Song

I love this song

This song was first released in December of 1984. It was written and performed by the Canidian singer/songwriter Leonard Cohen. I first heard it while watching the movie Shrek. The film uses a cover by Rufus Wainwrigt that is simply stunning.

I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Baby I have been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you
The holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Maybe there's a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
It's not a cry you can hear at night
It's not somebody who has seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well, really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light in every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Link to the Shrek Soundtrack, if you’re interested.

Merry Christmas Part 2 – The birth of Jesus

Of course it seems possible. Everything appears possible to those who already believe.

According to the Gospel of St. Luke, approximately 2,000 years ago Cæsar Augustus commanded that all the world be taxed. In a massive display of dickishness, Cæsar said that in order to pay these taxes and be counted in the census everyone would have to return to their ancestral city. Of course this is absurd. What if someone didn’t know which city was their ancestral city? What if they had great grandparents who were born in different cities, which city would they go to? Exactly how far back does someone go along their ancestral line to determine the correct city? If a husband and wife have different ancestral homes they probably go to the husbands, but what about widows and spinsters? Does the city that counted a young woman when she traveled with her dad get confused when she doesn’t show up the next year because she got married? What about people too old to travel, do they get thrown in jail? Rich people travel with servants. How much trouble does it cause if the servants are forced to go to their master’s tax/census city so they can’t make it to their own? Of even greater concern is the economics of such a venture. If everyone had to take a month off work to go get counted and pay their taxes, that would represent an 8.3% decrease in annual productivity (and therefore tax income). No emperor of Rome was ever that stupid.

Even though this idea is so patently false, we’ll go ahead and indulge it now for the sake of the story. Joseph claimed he was descended from King David so he went to the City of David (Bethlehem). He took along his wife Mary. They’d been married a few months now so Mary was about ready to pop out Sarah’s older brother’s baby (complete with the touch of Holy Spirit). Between the taxes he owed and the huge amount he’d paid to buy Mary from her parents, Joseph just didn’t have enough coin left to pay for a room so he they were spending their nights in a cave outside of town that someone was using to shelter their animals. This worked out pretty well though because when Mary squeezed out Jesus she was able to set him in little manger, chock full of nice clean animal food, to rest between feedings.

That’s right, Jesus had to eat. I don’t know why people don’t ever think about Mary breast feeding. Of course Jesus would suck on her nipples. Seriously people, we don’t want the little guy to starve to death. This is the cool thing about Jesus breast feeding: when Jesus was really little there was a lot of extra magic floating around from his zygotic contact with the “Holy Spirit” so when he was especially content (i.e. breastfeeding) he would glow. He would glow really brightly. In fact, the light was so bright that it attracted all the shepherds working the night shift in the surrounding fields. They came to visit the baby and said, “This baby is clearly wondrous and magical. Surely such a creature is a sign that a time of great peace will shortly be upon us. Praise be to the Lord for allowing us to see such a miraculous thing.”

Then, many years later Christians started celebrating Jesus’ birth during the Winter solstice (probably around the year 354), which is a shame. Jesus was clearly not born in the winter near Jerusalem. Those months are much too wet for shepherds to be out in the hills with their flocks. It’s also pretty lame that the Romans celebrated the solstice on December 25^th instead of the 21^st. Oh well. At least the Germans were good enough to lend Sinterklaas to the Americans in the 19^th century so they could come up with Santa Claus. Yay for Santa!

Merry Christmas Folks. Seriously.

Ref: Luke 2:1-17

Merry Christmas Part 1 – The really confusing story of how Mary got knocked up

This is going to be really offensive to fans of Mary and the virgin birth

It’s pretty common knowledge that Christians believe Mary was made pregnant through the power of God and gave birth to Jesus as a virgin. However, the scriptural accounts are not really that clear if you know what to look for. The account in the Gospel According to St. Matthew says that while Mary was engaged to Joseph people discovered she had been knocked up by “The Holy Spirit.” The Gospel according to St. Luke says that the “power” of God would “rest upon” Mary and she would become pregnant.

I see two possible explanations for these accounts.

First: Several times in the New Testament, God is referred to as the Holy Spirit. Also the phallus has been a symbol of power since people first understood symbolism. This symbolism was MUCH more powerful 2,000 years ago than it is now of course. So then; God got Mary pregnant after she was engaged to Joseph by holding her down (resting upon her) and using his power (phallus).

Second: Mary got pregnant through more conventional means and the child was made holy (magical) through the Holy Spirit which “rested” upon Mary.

According to the American Heritage Medical Dictionary rape is “the crime of forcing another person to submit to sex acts, especially sexual intercourse.” Because Mary acted surprised when she figured out she was pregnant I highly doubt she gave the almighty permission to impregnate her. Did Jehovah rape his mother so he could be born in the flesh? I think not. That’s why I’m more inclined to believe the second possibility is the correct one.

Here’s how I see it happening: Mary had her first period and told her mom. Mom got super excited because it meant Mary was old enough to be sold to a suitor. Mom and Dad were short on cash and Mary was super hot so they figured they could find someone with boatloads of cash. After a sort search they figured out all the really rich dudes were already married or tied up by previous arrangements. Fortunately there was this older carpenter in town who had been saving up for a hot virgin bride since he was a kid. He was the only one with the cash so Mary’s parents made the deal.

When Mary’s parents told her she was engaged to this old guy Joseph she got pretty upset. This is pretty understandable, after all she had just barely turned 13 and Joseph didn’t have all his teeth anymore and didn’t really wash up that often. Oh, and his hands were really calloused and rough looking. In any case, Mary stormed out of the house and went to her friend Sarah’s house. They broke into Sarah’s parents’ liquor cabinet and got pretty smashed before Mary got it into her head that she didn’t want her first time to be with Mr. Smelly McRoughHands. To take care of this problem she crawled into Sarah’s older brother’s bed (for whom she’s always had a little crush) shortly before dawn. Older brother was more than happy to take care of Mary’s need and after he finished up Mary had this vision where an angel came to her and said, “Behold, thou shalt conceive in thy womb, and bring forth a son, and shalt call his name Jesus. The power of God will overpower your womb and the holy thing which shall be born of thee shall be called the Son of God.”

When Joseph noticed that Mary was pregnant before their wedding day he was pretty upset so Mary lied and told him that although she was pregnant, she like, totally never had sex. She spontaneously got pregnant with Jehovah’s baby. Joseph didn’t really believe Mary; after all he wasn’t TOTALLY retarded. He’d already made the down payment to Mary’s parents though. So he decided that in light of everything, Mary was still hot enough to warrant continuing with the purchase.

Ref: Matthew 1:18, Luke 1:31 & Luke 1:35

Samuel Meets Yahweh – How hearing voices can be a good thing

I’m sure that Samuel was NOT schizophrenic; absolutely certain

Samuel grew up in the temple because his mom turned him over to the Lord right after he stopped nursing. He was mostly raised by the old priest Eli. One night when Samuel was still a kid he heard a voice call him right after he went to bed. The voice said, “Samuel.” Because Samuel wasn’t used to hearing unexplained voices he got out of bed, walked to Eli’s room and said, “I heard you call me. Here I am.” Eli immediately recognized this as a tactic to delay bedtime so he said, “I didn’t call you Samuel. Go back to bed. This time stay there.”

Right after Samuel lay down in his bed again he heard the same voice call, “Samuel.” Once again Samuel walked to Eli’s room and said, “I heard you call me. Here I am.” Eli was annoyed that Samuel had left his bed again, so this time he said, “Look Samuel, I didn’t call you. I’m sorry you can’t sleep but you just need to lay there in the dark. I heard somewhere that lying away in bed is almost as good as sleep anyway if you hold still and don’t make any noise.”

So Samuel went back to bed again. Just as you might expect he heard the same voice again a third time. Because Samuel didn’t want to get into any more trouble with Eli, he walked to Eli’s room and third time and once again said, “I heard you call me. Here I am.” By now Eli was getting really upset and he said, “Look kid, I haven’t been calling you. If you hear this alleged voice again you need to just stay in bed. If you’re that worried about it, you could even try talking to the voice to see if it can hear you.”

The fourth time Samuel heard this voice he stayed in bed just like Eli told him and said, “Why are you calling my name? Please tell me.” Then the voice, which turned out to be Yahweh said, “I have some important stuff to tell you Samuel. Eli’s not a very good father to his biological children. They do all sorts of bad stuff like have sex with the young women who gather outside the tabernacle and Eli hasn’t done anything to stop them. Therefore I’m going to destroy him and his children. They will never be forgiven for their crimes, and when I say never I mean it.”

The next morning when Eli was well-rested it occurred to him that maybe the reason Samuel was acting so strangely the night before was because Yahweh was trying to talk with him. Eli immediately wanted to know why Yahweh was talking with Samuel instead of with him so he called Samuel and said, “Look, I know you were talking with Yahweh last night and you are going to tell me everything he said or I will beat you until your outsides and in and your inside are out. Capisce?”

So Samuel told Eli what Yahweh told him and Eli said, “Well, if that’s what Yahweh wants to do who’s going to stop him. After all, He is the Lord.”

Yep. Definitely not schizophrenic.

Ref: 1 Samuel 3

Hannah gives Samuel to the Lord – Who knew that Jehovah was looking to adopt?

My limericks are getting worse, much worse

Elkanah had two wives
Who satisfied his drives
Peninnah gave birth
Hannah had a dearth
Of kids to share their lives

Elkanah had these two wives, Hannah and Peninnah. As is so often the case in these biblical stories, Elkanah liked Hannah best, but Peninnah was the one who kept having children. Hannah’s inability to produce offspring was a cause of great concern to her (she was probably pre-pubescent and Elkanah liked her best because he was turned off by “personal hair”). Peninnah always worked to make things worse too. It was very clear to Peninnah that Hannah was the favorite wife so Peninnah was mean to her as often as possible. Because the lack of kids was a sore spot for Hannah, that was usually how Peninnah tried to make Hannah feel like dirt: dirt that can’t reproduce.

One day Hannah went to the temple and prayed. She told Jehovah that if he would give her a baby then she would give him to the Lord and make sure that kid never had his hair cut (God digs long hair on dudes). The priest Eli noticed this young woman kneeling by the temple steps and moving her lips. He figured she’d snuck some liquor from her parents, had fallen to her knees by the temple, and was trying to work out how to stand up again.

Eli walked over to Hannah and said, “You are way too young, and it is way too early in the morning for you to be stumbling around drunk. You really need to lay off the alcohol.” Hannah answered saying, “I am not drunk sir. I’m just sad. I’ve been kneeling here praying to the Lord.” Eli felt kinda bad for judging her so he said, “Oh, ok. Um, you can leave now. I’m quite certain that Jehovah will give you what you’ve asked for.”

So Hannah went home and she had sex that night with Elkanah. God must have liked Hannah WAY better than all the other women who pray for children because she got pregnant that very evening. Hannah gave birth without incident and named the kid Samuel. As soon as she stopped nursing (so the kid was probably three of four – that’s right, people used to nurse for WAY longer than they do now) she took him to the temple and told Eli he would have to care for him from then on because that was part of her deal with God.

The best part of this story is that after giving Samuel to Eli, Hannah had another five kids. It's amazing how much going through puberty helps when you're trying to reproduce. In fact, I fully endorse puberty as something every women should experience before trying to have kids.

Ref: 1 Samuel 1 & 1 Samuel 2:20-21

Yahweh Kills Korah and his Buddies – When in doubt, kill. It’s what God wants.

Letting the Lord be a part of your daily life seems like a good way to get killed

And it came to pass that in the days of Moses wherein the children of Israel sojourned in the desert that Korah the Levite and 250 of the great princes of the assembly rose up to address Moses. That’s right, you heard me. Korah and his celebrity friends went to have a little chat with Moses one day. They said, “Moses and Aaron, you two have way too much power to decide what happens to us. You need to share some of that responsibility and authority. Everyone in the congregation is a holy person and Yahweh is with all of us. Why then do the two of you use your ‘holiness’ as an excuse to boss everyone around?”

Moses was not pleased these individuals were challenging his authority. Fortunately he was quick on his feet and instantly formulated a plan. He said, “Alright then. All of you all who are here challenging us bring some incense tomorrow and you will burn it to honor Yahweh. Aaron and his priests will do the same. Then Yahweh will show us who is holy.” Moses then had a talk with God and told Him to not accept the offering of Korah and his buddies.

At the time set aside for burning the incense the next day Moses said, “Everyone pay attention. Yahweh put me in charge of you all. If these men who are assembled against me die, it means I’m in charge. If the Lord visits them peacefully it means that I’m not supposed to be in charge.” Right after Moses stopped talking a huge pit appeared in the ground. Korah, all his relatives, their houses, and all their property fell into the pit. Then Yahweh shot out streams of flame that consumed the 250 celebrity princes with the incense.

The next day the surviving children of Israel started to complain because Moses had killed so many of the Lord’s people; as you might expect. Because Yahweh can’t stand whining he said to Moses, “Get away from all these people so I can destroy them too.” Moses didn’t want EVERYONE to die so he made Aaron grab some incense and run like crazy among the people so the Lord would not destroy them. This sort of worked. Only 14,700 people were killed for complaining instead of everyone.

Moral: Don’t complain, seriously. If you do Yahweh will get you!

Ref: Numbers 16

Isaiah warns us about Jesus – You better eat your vegetables or Jesus will get you!

There’s nothing better than religion for instilling fear

One of the things that Christian bible scholars really love to do is tie Old Testament passages to Jesus. This is intended to prove that Jesus literally is Jehovah and he told the old Testament prophets to let people know that he would be coming in the flesh as a true descendent of King David.

One of the passages attributed to Jesus is Isaiah 8:14-15. If these Christian scholars are correct then “God Made Flesh” will provide safety, but not to the Israelites. Instead he will be an insurmountable obstacle in the form of a giant rock free from concern for mankind. He will be a snare (trap) for the inhabitants of Jerusalem and many of the Israeli people will either trip over the giant rock, fall, and break or be snared and taken.

This makes Isaiah 8:13 sensible: “Sanctify the Lord of hosts himself; and let him be your fear, and let him be your dread (KJV).”

Hopefully you are reading this the same way I am. Jesus/Jehovah was supposed to come in Isaiah’s future to cause Israel to fall, to harm the people, to destroy hope. If you don’t fear Jesus then you are defying his own commandment given through one of his better known prophets: the great Isaiah.

The whole thing makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Yay.

Ref: Isaiah 8:14-15

Daniel and the Den of Lions – Don’t mess with Texas

Jehovah, meet Ironman

Daniel, the servant of Jehovah, was highly esteemed in the days of King Darius. He was so great that eventually he became the King’s right-hand man. Of course all the King’s other advisors were crazy jealous and sought to bring about Daniel’s destruction. Because Daniel was so great they knew he would never do anything stupid or illegal so they decided to trap him by taking advantage of his relationship with Jehovah.

These other advisors approached the King one day and said, “All of your advisors have consulted together and written a decree that no one is allowed to pray to the Hebrew god for the next thirty days without your express permission, or he shall be cast into the den of lions. Now go ahead and sign it.” King Darius was ok with this, so he signed the decree.

Because Daniel was a good little Jehovah lover he kept right on praying so it was easy for these “other advisors” to catch him in the act and report him to the King. Darius was very upset when he learned his favorite advisor had violated the decree, but because he couldn’t afford to lose face he went ahead and had Daniel thrown into the lion den.  

Poor Daniel was handled very roughly when he was thrown into the den. He was critically injured and a fragment of iron ended up lodged in his chest. Jehovah was able to intercede with the lions on Daniel’s behalf and keep them from eating him, but wasn’t able to safely extract the iron from Daniel’s chest where it was slowly making its way toward his heart. Fortunately for Daniel the Nobel Prize winning physicist, Dr. Ho Yinsen, was already in the den. Dr. Yinsen decided to help Daniel and made a super magic electromagnetic chest plate to keep the iron fragment from reaching Daniel’s heart.

After Daniel shared his story with Dr. Yinsen they decided the “other advisors” would probably notice the lions weren’t eating Daniel and come to finish him off themselves while they could blame the death on the lions. Escape was the only option. To this end, Dr. Yinsen and Daniel were able to secretly construct a suit of Jehovah powered armor while in the den. True to their expectation, the advisors attacked. Unfortunately they arrived a little earlier than expected and the suit hadn’t finished powering up.



Daniel in his powered armor

Yinsen chose to sacrifice himself by single-handedly attacking the group of advisors. This gave Daniel enough time to finish powering the suit and fly away. Daniel flew straight to King Darius’ palace where he crash landed, destroying the suit. The King was overjoyed to see Daniel was still alive and had the “other advisors” who had accused Daniel of being a Jehovah lover thrown into the den of lions. Because Jehovah didn’t like these advisors and Dr. Yinsen was now dead there was no one to keep the lions from ripping all those advisors into tiny little pieces.

Moral: When magic and physics join forces, those on the opposing team are eaten by lions.

Ref: Daniel 6