Psalms - Thanksgiving

Good thing we only have to eat turkey once a year. Chickens, pigs, and cows taste much better.

In the United States, we have our harvest festival late and we call it Thanksgiving. The idea is that we are thankful a bunch of Puritan immigrants to the “New World” didn’t starve because some natives (who hadn’t died from smallpox yet) helped them out. Sometimes we even make pictures of Puritans and natives sitting around a huge oak table covered with tons of food.

This is ridiculous of course. The idea of a harvest festival came with the Puritans from the “Old World” and the natives didn’t save this particular group of settlers from starvation.

Nowadays we like to thank God for stuff around thanksgiving time. At this time of year, we also like to quote the bible where it instructs us to give thanks to God.

Psalm 7:17

I will give to the Lord the thanks due to his righteousness, and I will sing praise to the name of the Lord, the Most High.

Psalm 107:1

Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever!

Psalm 100:1-5

A Psalm for giving thanks. Make a joyful noise to the Lord, all the earth! Serve the Lord with gladness! Come into his presence with singing! Know that the Lord, he is God! It is he who made us, and we are his; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture. Enter his gates with thanksgiving, and his courts with praise! Give thanks to him; bless his name! For the Lord is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to all generations.

In 2002, an episode of the Gilmore Girls titled, “A Deep Fried Korean Thanksgiving” brought our relationship with Thanksgiving into proper perspective.

Luke Danes: Shouldn't we give thanks first?

Jess Mariano: Thanks for what?

Luke Danes: Well, that we're not Native Americans who got their land stolen in exchange for smallpox infested blankets.

Lorelai: Amen.

Moral: On Thanksgiving we must remember to thank God for loving us more than those poor Native Americans whose land he allowed to be stolen in exchange for smallpox infested blankets.

Jerusalem the Violated Virgin – How Jehovah treats those who disrespect

Like a virgin, crushed for the very first time

After Jehovah stopped liking the descendants of Abraham, things got pretty bad in Jerusalem. You see, Jehovah only helps out people who like Him and is deliberately cruel to those who disrespect him. In this case, Jehovah had the Babylonians invade Israel and haul off most of the people to work in the region we know today as Iraq.

The sacred book of Lamentations serves to enlighten us as to the condition of Jerusalem after Jehovah stopped being nice to it. In Lamentations 1:4 we learn that Zion mourns because nobody goes to parties anymore and the virgins are afflicted. Oh no: afflicted? How? Well, I hope these are metaphorical virgins. I hope it so much; I’m going to write this like both Jerusalem and its people are represented as virgins in Lamentations. If they are not metaphorical, God is even more messed up that I thought.

From Lamentations Chapter 1:

First: No longer full *cough cough* of people – just like a widow

Second: No lovers to give comfort

Third: All friends became enemies

Fourth: Live among non-religious people

Fifth: Be overtaken by persecutors “between the straits”

Sixth: Children (from a virgin?) are taken away as prisoners

Seventh: Disrespected by former fans because they’ve been seen naked

Eighth: Filthy skirts

Ninth: Adversary gets to rub his/her hands all over the “pleasant bits”

Tenth: Hungry

Eleventh: Fire sent into the bones

Twelfth: Trodden upon and squished by God, like in a winepress

Thirteenth: Menstruating

Moral: Don’t be a virgin or your adversaries will get to see you naked and rub your “pleasant bits,” God will squish you like a grape, and you will have to menstruate.

Ref: Lamentations 1:1-17

Dashing Infants – In the Bible, “dashing” is a verb; not an adjective

Infanticide: the intentional killing of infants. In many past societies, certain forms of infanticide were considered permissible. In most countries, female infanticide is more common than the killing of male offspring, due to sex-selective infanticide.

One of the forgotten themes of the bible is the killing of infants. One of my major goals in life is to share the bible with as many people as possible. I do this in person and across the internet. The bible is such an amazing book, I think the citizens of our planet should know as much about it as possible. Today, I want to share about infanticide.

When Christ returns to the Earth in his glory to usher in the last days, some bad stuff is going to happen. The well-known prophet Isaiah was kind enough to give us a preview. It helps me understand why people are so anxious for His return.

Isaiah 13:15-18 New International Version (NIV)

Whoever is captured will be thrust through;

all who are caught will fall by the sword.

Their infants will be dashed to pieces before their eyes;

their houses will be looted and their wives violated.

See, I will stir up against them the Medes,

who do not care for silver

and have no delight in gold.

Their bows will strike down the young men;

they will have no mercy on infants,

nor will they look with compassion on children.



Ancient Figurines



Once upon a time, the people in Samaria disrespected God by making little silver statues. They probably looked a little like these ones from Madhya Pradesh. Of course God couldn’t tolerate that, so it was imperative that their infants receive dashing and their pregnant women be torn open. This of course raises the question: in God’s eyes, is it a worse punishment for a woman to be “violated,” or “ripped open?”

Hosea 13:16 New International Version (NIV)

The people of Samaria must bear their guilt,

because they have rebelled against their God.

They will fall by the sword;

their little ones will be dashed to the ground,

their pregnant women ripped open.

When the children in Israel were living in Babylon (remember the stories about Daniel in the Lion Den and Ashack, Meshack, and Abednego?) God decided that one day the Babylonians would be punished for making His chosen people move from Palestine to Iraq. In Psalms, we get to learn how great it will be to be the one who gets to punish the Babylonian people.

Psalms 137:8-9 New International Version (NIV)

Daughter Babylon, doomed to destruction,

happy is the one who repays you

according to what you have done to us.
Happy is the one who seizes your infants

and dashes them against the rocks.

Holy crap! This whole time I was assuming it was BAD to dash infants. I can’t believe I was wrong. It may be time for me to re-evaluate my personal morals. I’m clearly even further out of synch with God than I thought!

Moral: Happy is the one who seizes your infants and dashes them against the rocks.





Christian Wedding Nights – Not quite what you may expect

Sometimes I do Christians the discourtesy of assuming they follow God’s laws as presented in the Holy Scripture

God demands that after a couple is married, the sheet on which they first have sex be saved and given to the woman’s parents. THIS IS SUPER IMPORTANT! Most women have enough of a hymen that upon initial intercourse, it breaks painfully and bleeds. The blood is meant to get on the sheet which then becomes a “token of virginity.” In God-fearing nations like Iran and Yemen, this is still a common practice.

You may think this sounds creepy or anachronistic, but as a father I know there is no way in hell I’m not keeping those bloody sheets. You see, if the groom decides he’s not thrilled with my daughter after the wedding night, he might decide to get out of the marriage by claiming my daughter wasn’t a virgin when they tied the knot. You know, like Henry VIII did when he was trying to get rid of Catherine of Aragon.

If I don’t have a bloody sheet to present to the local authorities, then the people of the city are commanded by God to take my daughter to my front door and then throw rocks at her until she dies from the injuries. I DO NOT want that to happen.

If I do have the sheet, then the jerkface that tried to have my daughter executed has to pay me 100 shekels of silver because he slandered my daughter. Then he can never get rid of her; they have to stay married until the jerkface dies. Of course she may not want to stay married to the asshole that wanted her dead, but you know; she’s a woman and God doesn’t want women to have any rights other than the right to be bought and sold.

Moral: save the blood!

Ref: Deuteronomy 22:13-21

The Prodigal Son – Finding Nemo

Nemo’s dad is WAY better

Once upon a time, a silly young man demanded his share of his inheritance and left home. At the same time, a small clownfish with a gimp fin disobeyed his father and touched a boat near the Great Barrier Reef. The young man wasted all his money partying with hookers and the clownfish was captured by a diver. Oops.

The clownfish was relocated to an aquarium in a dentist’s office and learned he was going to be a gift for an attractive young women with a penchant for pescacide (the killing of fish). The young man ran out of money and went hungry.

Both the father of the young man and the father of the fish knew their son was in a bad spot. The human father sat on his ass at home while the fish-father embarked on an epic journey through many unknown terrors to save his son with only a small chance of success. For a full account of the fish-father’s adventure, you need to watch Finding Nemo.

Through a great deal of hard work and more than their fair share of luck, the fish-father and his gimp-finned son were reunited and the kid had to go back to school. Yay!

The hungry human son decided to go home and get some food. His dad saw him coming and threw him a big party. Of course the human son’s older brother was upset and said, “What the hell dad? This stupid douchbag runs off and spends all his inheritance on prostitutes and you throw him a party? I’ve been good my whole life and you’ve never even let me have a sleepover!”

The human father explained, “It’s like this: to me, my douchbag son was dead. Now it’s like he’s alive again. We always throw parties when someone comes back from the dead.” Yay?

Moral: If you spend a ton of money on hookers and booze, your dad will throw you a party. Also: fish dads will do just about anything to make sure their kid doesn’t skip school.

Ref: Luke 15:11-32

Two Adulterous Sisters – God explains donkey balls and horse ejaculate

I wonder why more people don’t teach this stuff in church

One day Jehovah had an important story to tell Ezekiel. It was such an important story that it was written down and passed to us after more than 2,600 years.

Once upon a time there were two sisters named Aholah and Aholibah. They used to work as prostitutes in Egypt. It was there that their breasts were fondled and their virgin nipples were bruised. They had lots of sons and daughters while they were whoring in Egypt. Now pay attention; this part is important. When I say Aholah, I really mean Samaria and when I say Aholibah, I really mean Jerusalem; clever, eh?

Here’s the thing: after Aholah left Egypt she didn’t stop whoring. She liked the attractive Assyrian warriors and had lots of sex with the elite Assyrians. She loved having her breasts fondled and let the Assyrians pour their lust out upon her. I didn’t think that was so great so I made sure those she lusted after stripped her naked, took away all her sons and daughters, and killed her with a sword.

Of course Aholibah saw what happened to Aholah, but she was an even bigger whore than her sister. She also was way into young Assyrian men: governors and commanders, warriors in full dress, and mounted horsemen. She exposed her naked body in the bed of love and spread her legs constantly for the Assyrians. She was an even bigger slut than she was in Egypt where her lovers had balls like donkeys and ejaculated like horses (Ezekiel 23:20). She never stopped wanting to have her breasts fondled like when she was young.

I can’t have Aholibah whoring herself around like that so I am going to make all her lovers hate her; the Babylonians and all the Chaldeans, the men of Pekod and Shoa and Koa, and all the Assyrians with them, handsome young men, all of them governors and commanders, chariot officers and men of high rank, all mounted on horses. They are going to cut off her nose and ears. They will take her sons and daughters. They will strip off her clothes. She is going to be so upset that she will rip off her own breasts.

This is how I deal with sluts like Aholah and Aholibah. After I’m done with them, they will no longer continue the leg spreading and breast fondling they started in Egypt. Thus sayeth the LORD.

Moral: don’t have lots of sex with Assyrians.

Ref: Ezekiel 23:1-35

David Fetches the Ark – Jehovah kills Uzza

With God, the letter of the law is most important

One day king David was thinking about war and killing lots of people when he remembered the Ark of the Covenant. It used to be this cool thing that the Israeli armies carried with them, and if they were righteous, they would be able to kill more people than normal. The Ark hadn’t been used this way for many years, but David decided that it would be nice to keep around anyway.

So David got a huge group of people together to fetch the thing from Kirjathjearim and take it to the City of David. They put it in a brand new cart and everybody was walking alongside singing, dancing, and making music. It was a huge party. Everyone was having a fabulous time; until one of the oxen pulling the cart stumbled. The cart lurched and the ark started to fall. It looked like the trip was going to end in complete disaster; but then, a hero arose. One of the cart drivers, Uzza, reached out and grabbed the ark. He kept the ark safe. It didn’t fall. The day was won.

Just one problem though; God doesn’t like people touching the ark. When Uzza touched the sacred ark, God became angry. He reached forth his sacred arm, and smote the life right out of poor Uzza. As you can imagine, King David wasn’t very happy about God killing Uzza but there wasn’t really anything he could do about it other than name the place Perez-uzza in his honor. After the smiting incident David decided the ark was too dangerous to have around and left it with his buddy Obed-edom the Gittite.

Ref: 1 Chronicles 13

Moral: never touch God's junk.

Jeremiah Uses Sexual Imagery to Chastise Israel - A vagina can be a valuable teaching tool

Sex sells

One day Jehovah was upset about how the Israelites were behaving so he gave Jeremiah a few messages to pass on in Jeremiah Chapter 3.

From the mouth of God:

Imagine that dude number 1 divorced his wife and then she hooked up with dude number 2 later. Then imagine how gross it would be if dude number 1 screwed that chick again. That would be just like two dudes rubbing their junk together. Because all you Israelites stopped going to church, you are just like junk rubbing dudes!

You keep having sex with all sorts of people, and then want to crawl back into my bed? You’re so bad that even though you’re obviously a skanky whore, you refuse to feel shame. You are all like a bunch of slutty chicks that have sex on every single mountain and under every tree. Because you all are supper slutty I’m divorcing you.

Your sister though, she’s the people that still go to church but don’t believe. She totally had sex with the ground. That’s right. She’s been committing adultery with rocks and sticks.

Here’s the thing though, I’m not a monster and because used pussy is better than no pussy I’m not going to stay angry forever. I’m even going to forgive. Because we are married and everything, I will take one person from that city and two from this family and bring them to Zion.

Ref: Jeremiah 3:1-14

Moral: Jehovah likes to talk about having sex with his followers/children